One Winged Angel

Episode 90: Devil

2012-02-07T01:01:00.001+08:00

Smiling. Why is it quite hard to do nowadays?

There are a few reasons attributed to this.

Firstly, smiling uses a lot of muscles, 12 to be exact.. According to research done by some people,it disregarding the old adage that it takes 30 plus muscles to smile. But still, it takes considerable effort, a lot of effort it seems.

Of course, the obvious that smiling is hard when you are very upset or angered.
Or is it that the world hell bent on exterminating those who puts effort in smiling?

Walking down the street, its even a crime to look fellow human being in the eye, lest you want to be socked in the face, keep the eyes off the random people off the streets. Much less smile.

The real reason why I was inspired to make this post is that, just recently, I saw my ex-secondary school had their seasonal donation drive to raise funds for various charities. Truth to be told, there's nothing glamourous about doing this donation drive.

Here's the plan:

Student stand at the side of the road or alleyway and hold out donation tins and try to garner as many donations as possible.

Well, one shouldn't say that the students' are forced into the act of volunteering, the last time I was there, I was less than enthused about helping out. Much less now, where the young are constantly embroiled in social life and have tons of work to handle.

I have a feeling that they were there just to get the 'Community Involvement Project' Points by which its like an extra credit to the future prospects such as resumé or school entry.

So in the end, students are standing down there like some statue out of a horror movie, mind you it's a Saturday, I would have wanted to rest at home. They were standing forlornly near the mall, hoping some kind soul would plonk down some loose change in their donation tin. Well, I am not such a kind person to donate at that time, but really I feel bad for them than the charity organization that they were helping out.

Well, here's my experience a few years back:

It's a level wide activity, so one whole group came one morning and each of us were handed out a tin to fill. Here's the catch, we aren't allowed to go back to the volunteer's table until we fill up those tins.

Therefore:

1. If it is full of notes. Lets say 2 dollars or 5 dollar notes, its not heavy enough and you have not done your job.

2. If it is heavy enough, they put a plastic rule in the slot, and measure the depth of the rule, if it goes down to a certain depth, they send you out to get more. Conversely, if it is about to be full, they send you out to get more donations.

3. Minimum working time is 2 hours, even if you filled up a tin way before the deadline. They will give you another tin to fill up, if you didn't fill up the 2nd tin, it is assumed that you didn't do your job, and Number 1 and 2 repeats itself.

4. No matter how hard you work, there's only 2 hours of CIP time written down in the report.

In conclusion, according to my point of view, this is really a waste of time for a couple of points.

The world is also too depressing. People are just pumped through the education cycle and work cycle without even knowing about it.

Take Co-curricular activities for example. I went back to my old school to experience the old CCA that I was in, The Boys' Brigade.. It was a shadow of it's former self. Instead of fun times, it's somewhat reminds me of oppression. The boys were just trying to get out of school as soon as possible and sleep the day off, asking one of them, they were primarily there just because of the CCA points.

Are lives just an accumulation of points? What are our goals then? Its ironic that education system teaches us to think outside the box, yet give harshest punishments to those who deviate away from the system.

Either ways, lets follow the popular example shall we?

In our lives, we have 3 things, Money, Happiness, Time.

When we are young, we have time and happiness, but have no money to spend.

When we are middle aged, we have money and time, but no happiness.

Alas, when we are old, we have only money and happiness, but no time.

Why can't the 3 of them co-exist? Why can't we choose all?

This devilish conundrum, I am still trying to find the solution to this puzzle. For now, I am trying my best.

Regardless of any obstacle, I will still try my best.

Hence, smile, maybe the world won't know what you are thinking inside, maybe you are hurting. But outside, people will know you are a cheerful person, approachable.... And you are never alone.

Maybe I will make a difference by cheering up people even though I am torn inside (emo- not intended) but at least others will be happy.

Smiling, a task I have to do in times of turmoil. When things really really goes wrong or south, I will still smile.

So I end this post in a classic way.

Cheerio!

:)
and a smile

Episode 89: Tiger

2012-01-23T15:22:00.001+08:00

Uncertainty strikes again! Honestly I am not surprised that I am not surprised this will happen.

Having gone through the thought of various outcomes, either getting in or not getting in. Not getting into medicine seems to be more of a viable outcome as the days passed, and I was right. Deep within the pits of my soul, I knew I am not good enough.

As a reflection of my own image, I have been reiterating over and over again. I am a just a normal guy.
I do not know everything, I just know what I know.

Well of course, I do not count myself as unlucky too. I am glad that many people supported me to the end and provide me various means to get to the end.

In short, I do not get into the Medicine Course. Which brings me to a topic whether I am really relieved or kind of disappointed. As chronicled on my blog, its a little bit shaky goal for me to reach, financially as well as mentally. Don't misunderstand me, I am no quitter. I do things as it comes and try my best in all that I do.

I am not finding reasons to console myself too, although truthfully, I am getting a teeny bit hysterical over the long wait. At last, the weight and loom of medicine is off my shoulders for now.

Now to prepare for the next stage.

At least, the goal still stands! I am relieved actually... The keyboard will still be purchased and skydiving will proceed on smoothly without fear of any vital lashbacks.

Perhaps it's history self correcting itself? For one, I will have more than enough time to tinker with the piano once I am done with this initial stage.

So now the time for faith to arise, or for face.

Apologies once again to those who expect me to go into medicine, I have not met your expectations. I am truly sorry Mitchell for not being able to accompany you.

But all in all, sometimes the walk is lonely, but you are not alone.

Like me, I am proud to say that my friends and family are my wings, and if need be, I will still be the wings to shelter and guide those who are in need.

Thank you my Lord for also being there with me during sleepless nights and help calm me down in times of distress.

Alrightey,
The game time starts now. The game of life.

One last shout.
CHEERIO!!!!!!

Episode 88: Family

2012-01-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

Another new twist to the story.

It seems that for some reason, the medicine faculty decided to contact me at a very opportune time. In the end there seems to be an interview scheduled for tomorrow.

And yes, somehow it generates a lot of butterflies in my stomach. Really a lot... Being a busybody, I asked ahead of what interview questions may arise for tomorrow.

In conclusion, it is quite hard to prepare. Questions are myriad and ranged from how does my loved ones view me to why I want to be a doctor. Some of them are basically a hurdle on how badly I want to be one of the medical students.

Is there a reason needed to be given to help people?

I hope I really do well in tomorrow's interview cause, there's no excuse for me not doing well in anything that I do. That said, I think to come this far, I really had achieved something, I surpassed my expectations again, not to say that my expectations are low. It's just that I did not expect something I did not expect will happen.

Preparations are coming along quite well, or I should say quite normally?

I am nervous yes, nervous of what is going to come. Uncertainty really is driving me nuts more than I can imagine..
Its like one fine day I have everything locked down on what to do, a wild monkey wrench suddenly slammed upon me. Thats how it feels, weird, painful.. But life is filled with uncertainties, and these made us grow as a human being. A human being that is able to think, a human being that is able to adapt to the circumstances.

In any case, I think I am ready for tomorrow to see what it can bring, to see what it can throw at me. What ever the end case it may be, life still goes on.

Thank you my family and friends for being there for me. Thank you for everything.

In the end, this will be a fight good enough to fight through.

Thank you lord for all the support you have given me.

Thank you all.

Cheerio!

Episode 87: Phoenix

2012-01-06T02:56:00.000+08:00

Another year has passed...
Seriously why would I bother counting the years anymore? It's almost all the same to me.

A year, new experience, rinse, repeat.
Another year, another phase in life I expect myself to be in.

Lets see, my goal last year is to 'Surpass Myself'.

Consider this done but still not finished.

Yes, last year is considered quite fruitful to me, lots of new experiences that I picked up. I should be able to list some here..

1. Go to Australia for the first time.
Right off the bat, instead of going to survey or having a holiday there, I went there to study, that was quite a feat when I do not know what to do there or expect over there. Thinking it was more like a spaghetti western type of town... Instead its another urbanized alcove, instead much more cleaner and the air is better.

2. Surprised myself at my ability to study.
Seriously, after National Service, I never knew that I have the observational skill needed and the multi-task ability... I for one, do not know how it arises and where it came from. Must be the motivation I had, even with my Junior College background, I would safely say that I can forget most of the stuff I learnt.
Hence with this Grade Point Average I achieved, I am truly surprised.

3. Made a number of friends.
I had this queer sense of self that enables me to click and adapt to people quite easily. Having a lot of new friends is one thing, but trying to keep them is another.

4. Picked up quite a few new skills.
Cycling for one and many more I guess. To me, learning new stuff is basically like teaching a old dog new tricks. Its doable, but the resistance is damn high. Unlike some stuff that I had been constantly been exposed for quite some time.
Its like learning how to walk... without the training wheels. But the sense of satisfaction is awesome indeed.

~~~~~

Speaking of which.

I would like to set a new goal this year.

Experience tough times and emerge better. Experience the worst choices so I could learn harder.
Basically a sadistic form of surpassing myself.

Sometimes, life doesn't come easy.
True that most of the time I tried to sneak the easy way out.
Most of the time.
Most of the time, when trouble comes... I also tried to handle it in the easiest way for me.

Well, ironically,
Videogames has taught me quite a few things.

One, I am a gaming addict.
That is no joke, most of the time, I play the game just to have the thrill of unlocking. Be it trophies or others.

Why the hook?
Is it the challenge?
Let me illustriate an example, Demon Souls, or by it's extension, Dark Souls.
Why are they so challenging?
Why are they so mind-blowing to say the least, their difficulty level is really really hard. Like impossibly hard.

To tell you the truth, living in the video game life is actually quite refreshing. Simple as it maybe, whatever outside the world is left to your imagination. How to fight bosses, how to overcome it, people had undergone these trials and are willing to share their experiences.

Its collective experience.
Its the same as why I feel so empty even when I am surrounded by friends and family. It all relates back to happiness, and what am I supposed to do.

In this update, in this process of typing this post, what I know is hardship... I was playing Shadow of the Colossus.

Fighting a very very hard boss called Gaius, which is ironically, means gay (merry) and it was a difficult and arduous battle indeed.

So my point is, I kept retrying over and over again for 2 days.

If life has a reset button to do what ever we want. It would only exist in videogames.
If you don't succeed, try again, this is what I learnt most of the time.
Well, life do not give you as much chances, and the following chances are usually even harder than original try..

Well, thats all for now!

Cheerio!

Episode 86: Vampire

2011-12-29T01:46:00.002+08:00

I really wonder, what is true happiness?

The feeling of joy, the feeling of positivity. Those desired feelings of awe and stupendousness (if that word exists) is present around in my conscious. In copious quantities too I must say, but however the feeling is waning.

What truly makes me happy?
Instead of being happy, things are relegated to "I rather do this instead of...", and really, this is a bit of a chore to say the least.

Things take longer to take effect nowadays. I am beginning to feel the toll on my body.
Later nights due to the games, and planning to squeeze time into every single activity I am supposed to be proud to do.

Playing piano and games doesn't give me the kick that it should be able to give. I wonder whether its because of the environment?

Then what does happiness to me be defined as? I don't feel extra happy playing around anymore.
Is it due to the rat race?

So many questions left unanswered... So many thoughts, on how to make myself more positive, more excited about upcoming events.

But everything eventually flatline... I really do hope I can find stuff to tell my friends about, stuff to talk about.

Sharing too much also could led them to isolate me... That I could also be afraid of...

There I go. Blabbering nonsense again... I wonder, if I really hold a speech with a crowd... I will just degenerate into a stuttering mess.

Gotta sleep soon, cheerio.

Episode 85: Bee

2011-11-21T00:48:00.001+08:00

What's up with the animal themed titles? If you asked, I will say its from Bakemonogatari, one of the works by NisiOisiN, yes... I am a big fan of his work.

Well, another year has passed in the education realm.
Overall, its not quite what I expected studying in Australia.

Like I said, the weather in Australia is vastly different than that of Singapore. As I was typing this post, I am dying of breathing in all the humidity. As I walked down the street, there are a lot of people... I don't know, but I am kind of having some fear of crowds. A little stupid I think but, for some reason, I dislike huge crowds and being in one makes me very suffocated and paranoid.

Anyways, I am glad to be back in comfort of my own room, strange that muscle memory and recognition memory do so much for you. Everything seems strange yet familiar to me, my room, the path to the shopping center. But somehow a long absence away seems to do a memory dump, since somehow I can't find the toilet switch, maybe in the Mass Rapid Transit I could be a little overwhelmed, but all that can wait.

All these can wait.

Let me do a review of what happened this year.

Study wise its fine.. I had been chronicling the issues I had with education since... The secondary school times, with the experience of varied education systems, I should say that the Australian ones are the easiest amongst the lot.

Friend wise... I should say I met quite a few characters down here. Some of them are excellent while some of them, I would rather not to have met them again.

Well, starting off is my classmates from this year, come to think of it, this will be the last time I spent time in a common class... Since next year will be moving into full fledged university life.
My class is comprises of majority Asian.. Mostly from the People's Republic of China. With a couple of Iranians and various countries.

Not exactly very close with the class, but in semester one, majority of the time I spent with is with Declan and Benjamin. Since the rest of the class converses in their own languages, they are pretty much self centered I guess.

Come semester 2, the attitude of the class changes, they began to grow more and more hostile... I guess time really brings out the true colors of the people around us...

Well, without further ado, I shall go to character analysis...

Declan Lee:
He became the second person I blocked on Facebook, the first one is namely Tay Yi. Well, how it came to this, I also had no idea... My attitude?
I really have no idea... Its sad to lose a friend just like that, but if he did want to contact me again... It will be quite hard to do so.
In any case, I enjoyed the time spent together, photographing, studying... Hope that he grows up soon and snap out of his sucky attitude, I am certain that with this... He would not get far in the world if he continues on like that.

Benjamin Gin:
An alright guy, nothing special to say about him. He seems a little, forced at times... Never expected him to preach to me about God... Well, we have sometimes conflicting views on the bible, while he was unto keeping the law.. I am into grace.. So naturally we conflict, and most of the time when he bring in religion into the conversation, I am naturally offended by him. Don't know whether I interpreted wrongly or not, but its seem that everything that I do is an act against god. I rather not say that he's bad but he's a good guy at heart. I couldn't bear to say that he is a little too upfront about other people's feelings and that he is really insulting me.

I am not exactly going on in a hate train down here. But generally, my classmates really disappoints me. I can't really say that they should be judged by my yardstick but they are generally still kids. They need to see the world in a colloquial sense.

There are other people who actually bring the joy into lives.
Met them randomly in the course of the course. During lectures, during hanging out events.

But here are some of the notable ones.

Lewis Cheong:
I think you will never ever get to see this post... But in the event that you do. Thanks for reading!
I actually quite jealous of your lifestyle... Being of someone who is quite an introvert, I normally kept to myself and actually did zilch physical activities when I was at a younger age. Never knew how to cycle, swim well, or play sports or even drive a car. What amazes me is that at your young age, you can do all these, commandeer vehicles that I never sat on before (sail), and to me it is damn cool... and it shows me a reflection to how deprived I was... How lacking my childhood was... Being with you actually relive my childhood somewhat, looking forward to spending more time with you and observe and glean off skills if possible. Thanks for being my friend!

Leon Khoo:
Did you realize? Putting your name and Lewis' together gives you Leona Lewis? Other than that trivia, I am surprised or not quite surprised that we have mutual friends... Well, Singapore is quite small and chances are if you are there, someone might be related to you in just 3 points of contact. Anyways, you seem to have quite a creative brain. Building figurines, computers, complying from scratch... I wish I had that kind of support and funds... But in any case, take a breather since you are going into the Singapore Armed Forces.... Which I don't think it sits well with you... Asides from army jokes, I enjoyed talking with you, sometimes you are just the outlet to chat with when I am feeling a little upset in my life in Australia. But generally, you are a reliable guy.

Norman:
You wonder why Alvin calls you a golden Monkey? Actually... Its quite obvious aye?
Enjoyed going to conventions with you and your brother.. You told jokes in an interesting way too... I never had that kind of charisma, never had that kind of bravery to do stuff beyond my capabilities. But you actually step out of your comfort zone to do what people fear to do, thread places where angels fear to act in. Again, I felt a little bit underachieved since you guys have lots of skills I apparently do not possess... Guitar, costumeplay, dances... You are the true meaning of jack of all trades and a nice comedian.

Alvin:
I really applaud your desire to work hard. I can literally see the fire of your desire to pass this year... Even though you throw vulgarities left and right as you study ( side-effect from the SAF ) you persevere on... And even come early in the morning to have a study session. That's the true meaning of hard work, but do not be disappointed if you didn't get what you expect... Since the more important value of hard work is not the end result, but rather the process. Hone this process and you will gain recognition in the future and hopefully be successful.

Alright.. I am currently back in Singapore as you guys all know..

Purchased and finished Uncharted 3 already. It is very epic, but battle wise, I still prefer Uncharted 2's tank sequence and building sequence.. In general, the story never fails to live up to expectations. Difficulty is insane... Well, I blame myself for starting with such a high level. Uncharted 3 really does have its set piece moments which is really really good...

Upcoming games I am going to buy:

Sonic Generations
Dark Souls
Ico and Shadow of the Collossus HD
Metal Gear Solid HD
God Of War Origins
Atelier Ronora Alchemist
Atelier Ronora Adventurer
Ar Tonelico Qoga
Yakuza 4
and maybe many more.. Depending on my budget...

Alright I think its time to retire... I would love to meet up with my friends back in Singapore.
However most of them are having their examinations... A little sad that I couldn't meet up with them as soon as possible.

Now, sleep takes priority, well, as the same priority as finishing up this post.

Have a good night every one and...

Cheerio!!!

Episode 84: Cat

2011-11-03T03:37:00.000+08:00

The year is ending, November is here at last.

Sadly, what song are there about November to be found? I know there should be some exist somewhere, but none came to mind.

Another relationship breakdown, what a bummer, its like happening quite commonly around me around this time of the year.

Long story? Okay.
Here's my side.

I had a friend who was on a friendly relation with me. Somehow somewhere, something went wrong. And the attitude of the friend changed, hostile feelings were incited. There I was, clueless about the development, but I somehow knew, deep down inside, something went south.

A couple of weeks back the situation reached it's peak activity, therefore I decided to ignore him for the time being. Recent swipes with the incident of the class photos were okay. But somehow, he deleted me off as a friend from Facebook.

I know I shouldn't take it at face value, but I really wonder what happened. Its getting ridiculously childish, it makes meeting with him very very awkward. Striking up conversation with him is nigh impossible. Asking what happened from other vectors seemed insane, I got preached because of my lack of faith. (??? Yes, i felt that way) even somehow managed to link my status of my family to this issue. I never been so insulted in my stint here. Called out on my faith? If I believe in grace, is that something wrong? What the hell. The issue really went awry from that point on discussing what transpires between me and him. This is basically not fair... Telling me that I didn't know god personally is like saying that I don't know who my mother is.

The point is, its easy to do the bullying, but I would be sad to see the bullying turns around to bite him back.

This strange turns of events really can cause aneurysm in me.

But no matter, the end is nigh and I lucky that I am able to start afresh all over again away from these kids... Strange, no matter what happen or where I go, I will be able to meet strange characters on the way.

Henceforth, I shall have new goals laid out in front of me.

1. Get back to Singapore as soon as possible and get into the warm embrace of friends and family.
This is pretty much self explanatory.

2. UNCHARTED 3!!!
And the various gaming itch I have been craving to have. Need to get a new controller though, my controller is a little flawed.

3. Do an Senior's First Aid Course in Australia. ( I have been thinking of doing it because of some volunteer work.. Maybe I do it this year or next year)

4. Join the St John's Ambulance Brigade. (Next year or this year, I have to finish my no.3)
Introduced by Mitchell Melvin Oliver, I will do some volunteer work in my spare time next year. Just for the fun of it. Although it would be not always fun as they set out to be, as usual, I derive fun and satisfaction from helping out. Simple as that.

5. Have a successful GuangZhou, China trip.
Yup, I will be heading to GuangZhou at the end of this year. I trust it will be fun, since I will be travelling with my dear friend Wang Sen again.

6. University!
I have not much stress now since eliminated Medicine from my prospective course. I think I have more free time to hone my skills in composing and piano playing. Of course, next year will be jam packed with volunteering activities too!

7. Join a club.
What club to join... Thinking thinking....
Sailing with Lewis? Or anime club?

8.Cosplay
Why? As a stormtrooper of course! Just for the heck of fun of it!

and more to come....

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
I think its the anticipation makes the heart grow fonder.

I can't wait to feel the hot sweltering warm feeling that I get back to Singapore, the humidity, the interactions with family. The hanging out with friends.

But to be honest, exams coming in a weeks time with Computer Studies, Math and English leading the charge for this week. Thinking hard about cramming this week, either with first aid course or helping others with their revisions.

Gonna work hard!

Cheerio!

Episode 83: Monkey

2011-10-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

Its been quite a while since I posted down here.

Firstly, I am taking a break in studies whereby things are getting a little crazy.
Lets just say that I am stuck for the moment.
Need some time and space to think about recent things.

Studies have been alright, just that for now, physics need a little more thought and research.
Its the 'Eureka' feeling that they tend to ask us to achieve, and me, being a student who lives on model answers, never finds out how to think out of the box and hence, fail to experiment around.
So, I decided now to take a short break by playing a game of reaction based platformer.

The game's name is Bit Trip Runner.

I had played horrifying difficult games in my time.

The first time I embarked on the journey to defeat Sephiroth (FFVII) in Kingdom Hearts 2. I am unduly amazed at how difficult he was to beat. Spent around 3 weeks training and fighting and in the end, Tommy beat me to it. So that does not count.
Completing the first Kingdom Hearts is another achievement by the way.

The second one that I played was Demon Souls. Where no matter how good you are playing games, it is hard to survive the tutorial level, well, none will. It gets increasingly harder and harder the more the game progresses and by the shred of sanity I had left, I completed the game.

Coming to Australia, I got this 8-bit game Bit Trip.. It looks innocent enough, until it dawn upon me that upon any blemishes in the play. I have to restart from the beginning.

It really stresses me out.

But for some reason, games like this are the most fun and addictive. Surpassing challenges along the way and feeling the sense of temporal satisfaction... I think that is really getting to me.

Tenacity.
That is what I learnt.
Playing video games, learning my errors and see how I can do better, striving to better or if not perfect myself.
Its like playing a piano, the more I practise, the better I get.

And I so damn miss my piano.

Like I said, I am only human. I get disappointed and such.
I am not perfect. Even though I try my best.

There are a lot of people who are better than me.
I do not deserve their friendship. But I really grateful that they accept me as a friend.

Thats all,
I am just very happy for that.

Cheerio!!!

Episode 82: Snail

2011-09-28T20:20:00.000+08:00

Such melancholic feelings!

I think its the effect of boredom taking over.

It is not as if there's nothing to do, but there's no motivation for me to do it.
I think its the effect of growing old is it?

Got a few games to enjoy myself, but they are somehow a little too hard...
Then, again, my sleeping habits are really disastrous. Last night I can't even fall asleep for some arcane reason or something like that.

But in all respect, things have been going well for me lately. Although sometimes I just experience some blahs in my life.

Suddenly, sometimes I may feel somehow upset just because its like that. Doesn't make sense? Don't worry, I also do not understand what I just typed down too.

But all in all, living alone somehow has an effect on me. Somehow, going through everyday is like wishing that tomorrow comes faster. Partly to wish that those people that had constantly trying to disrupt the internet connection will just go away and stop doing the weird stuff that they are doing.

So this time round, I think I better set some short term goals to meet.

Firstly, get my sleeping rhythm back to gear.
Second, lose some weight.

Thats all, short simple goals to meet. They are not as easy as they thought it should be though. My lifestyle demands me to be constantly connected to the internet for information and social gatherings.
Furthermore, most of my family and friends are in different time zone, which makes it nigh impossible for me to maintain next week when the clock jumps back a hour behind again.

With regards to going home, I will be going back in the end of November. The exact date I already pinned down, but subject to changes if I deem fit.

Now, its time of this lost soul to go back to bed.

Night.

Cheerio!

Episode 81: Crab

2011-09-10T22:52:00.002+08:00

It came to this stage again... There's nothing much to talk about... It is kind of funny, after something exciting happened. Or moved to a new place, the level of excitement dropped a lot became equilibrium again. Chatting with family and friends are becoming a bore, nothing exciting to reveal in them, nothing new to revel in.

Its like having a high or an addiction.

I had a thirst of exciting stuff, thirst of learning new stuff. But like a drug, once a euphoria is reached, I will be excited, I would want to chat. I would love to talk. But after that, I don't have anything to say.

For friends and family, I would miss them of course. But then, there seem to be nothing to say. Just that saying hi, and making sure that they are alright.

Isn't this feeling a natural feeling... A feeling to miss family and friends? I seem to had nonchalant feeling. I never felt the 'I really miss' feeling.

Somehow, I think, will feelings develop over time? Will I get to understand people? I never had a chance to talk to people until after or during Junior College.. So rather much, I have a lack of understanding of people.

Don't get me wrong. I talk to people the way I do because I imitate others. I can't say I am a master mimic or so, I tend to copy things when I see them. Cliché it may be, I can't help it for some reason.... For example,

I copied Hanekawa Tsubasa's speech pattern from Bakemonogatari and Shichika's attitude from Katanagatari.

I copied my goodbye wave from my neighbour.

I copied my sarcastic style from Wang Sen.

I copied my love of gaming from Zhen Qin.

I copied my love of love from Ruo Xuan.

I copied my way of thinking from Alan.

I copied my viewpoint of the world from Wikipedia and Google.

I copied my view of love of God from Yeu Keed.

I copied my siblings attachment from Dorry.

I copied the ability to gain valuable insights from Dorry's siblings.

I copied the ability to try hard.

I copied the ability to feel.

I copied peoples' soul and personality.

I copied basically every single part of my personality.

I copied things that are originally not mine.

So what part am I that is original?

People who met me. Thinks that I am very queer indeed.

As somehow, I can copy someone's 'Soul/personality' I can't tell which is originally mine. All of this copied stuff, makes me me...

So I do not know what is the original me since I am not me or what I was to be.

So recently I got the hang of observing people, "ability belonged to my mother by the way" people seemed to be even uglier inside... But for a strange reason, I want to overlook it. I can't seem to see the bad part even it is there. For friends, I know that they are sometimes a little childish or wrong, but I still want to stick by their side even there might be something bad. I believe they can change.

I believe in my friends. I want to be there in their time of need. I know that it is kind of impossible. I can't be there all the time, I can't be there in the right time.

But I want to be, and I want to try. Failure is just a state, a temporal one. But the accumulation of success and the eventual bonds formed.

I think its worth it.

Gotta go for now.

Free time ending soon.

Cheerio!

Episode 80: Free Time

2011-09-03T16:26:00.002+08:00

Finally, completed most of the task at hand!

The workload isn't as much as I thought it would, but nevertheless, I shouldn't slack off due to the perceived easy difficulty level.

Goals are set and met as times goes on. Once goals are met, new ones should be made to constantly challenge myself.

So, I was wondering, how are the rest doing in the universities? People I met from the previous phases of my life. How are they doing now? All those that I constantly contacted seemed to be doing fine I guess.

Life's idyllic now. Its a snail pace over here. Once you had finished something, better find something to do fast or else the other thing you gonna do is to sleep the whole day and sleep is very infectious. Since when I sleep, sometimes it takes a lot to wake me up. I slept a record of 13 hours before so I know how the trap works. If you had an important task the next day... Good luck to you...

Anyways, finally managed to submit the application for medicine course. Finally after all the internet hell I have been through. Yes, internet here is a little wonky, rampant disconnections and all these weird problems.

Another thing to note is I am grateful for my friends. Especially Chiang.

Even though he moved overseas to study. He didn't tell me because he would worry me or shock me in some way. But yea, I am worried of course. Somehow, he's still one of my great friends who stuck through with me during National Service...

I give him my blessings in what route he would take.

Cheerio!

Episode 79: The Facade

2011-08-21T20:55:00.002+08:00

Live each day as fruitfully as possible.

One of my goals is learning one or more new thing per day.

Curiosity interests me that was all...

One thing to note is that I live in the moment and tries earnestly. Life passes daily, I look forward to tomorrow. If I try hard today, there's no worries for tomorrow. Simple thinking? Works for me! I love to see things in an alternate angle...

But what I want to in the future...

It hasn't actually come to me yet.

Helping people is my passion, I love to help people. For some reason that I can't explain. I just love helping.

Trying to ask me to quantify it, it is a little difficult for me I am afraid. I am just a simple person.

I am surrounded with lots of people who are talented, or even more talented than me. I am not a special guy.

But I earnestly try.

I am upfront about my feelings. There is no way someone could tell me how I should feel. There is no standard way to approach a problem. Somehow, this translates to that I am nonchalant unfeeling kind of guy. But I am not, I just view things in a different way. I am quirky. Even here, I type in a quirky way don't you agree?

What does one think about failure?

I too experiences a lot about failure. I truthfully dislike my Junior College due to the experiences I had, the depression that I got.. I hate it because of the nasty experiences. Some of it are obviously my bad choices, and I hate it. But that does not quantify me as a bad person. I too, experiences positive experiences from JC, met genius friends. Met lifelong friends who will be there in my times of need. I shouldn't be told that I am not good enough. I am not good enough by someones standards, but I am fully satisfied on who and how I am.

How do I handle failure then? Hide behind a facade? I would love to... I don't want to share my sad side because I want others to be happy. I want to smile. I don't want to cry. I hate crying.

When I encounter failure, of course I will get angry, the intensity scales whether I am alone or not. For a video game, I would delete the save data... And restart it again for no particular reason whatsoever. All humans are capable of emotions. I just don't understand why that there is a appropriate way to act. I rather be alone.

But I also resent being alone. I am contradicting myself here I know, but I want to be with someone, some friends to chat with. Call me selfish, but yes. I want to be with friends, yet somehow, when being with them, I want some alone time sometimes. I am just so confused.

Like I said, the only barrier and limit that I want to surpass is myself.

To beat oneself, then proceed on. That's my goal. I care what people said about me. I take into a learning stride. Sometimes harsh words are said, sometimes I dislike them. But advice are just advices.. Individually it works for you, but sometimes it doesn't for others.

But in short, what I am will be what I am. I will improve, but not on the expense of others. But for me, to be able to help people, to able to make them happy.

Cheerio!

Episode 78: Quiet Change

2011-08-13T13:33:00.002+08:00

The smell is different.

Different from since when I first arrived

The smell is forgotten already, the smell of a new place... is all but a forgotten memory..

I wonder as when I stepped back to someplace I used to go someday. Will I still remember the smell? Or will it be different? I am already used to the life here... Will returning change anything?

Was thinking back to quite some time ago, when I was crawling here and there, running here and there, studying till depressed. That was some time ago... Now in a new world, new start. With the old links a few hundred kilometres away.

Anyways, exam results was announced last week or so.. Scored what I needed. So thats great!

To tell the truth, never have I been so motivated to study... For what? For whom? The purpose is still not clear... I don't understand it myself. I also do not bother to bring myself to understand it. Since I don't think it serves a reason...

Gee, I wonder what happens when one asks a question like that... What drives you?

I am all but a simple minded guy. Many can attest to that... I am quite lazy, I am a gamer, I am a music lover who all wants to play songs without much practise. I am a human.

I believe what drives us humans is what drives me inside.

I have weird friends, (No, that's not an insult.) I can be sure I am weird too. People are weird for a reason, we all have unique personalities. We all can't be typed, although, could be classified into some groups. Hated by some, yet loved by some. People's personality is a strange thing indeed. A personality is what determines a person. It is what drives and motivates people. But that does not mean that having a personality of mine can change worlds or score high marks or something to that effect.

I can't say that I am mature enough, seen enough, or experience enough to be considered a mature adult. I can't say that I am a perfect being. I am definitely not the same guy that you met 5 years before. Although a part of me says don't change, ( go back to my previous entries about 2 to 5 years ago) I definitely changed since the past few years. I got hurt lots of times by supposed friends, got thrown around a lot by people.

Even though all these went past, somehow... I still have a penchant for helping people even though I am lazy. Ask me to clear this obstacle, I would rather go around rather than running into it straight on... Its not that I glean this trait off a Manga or Anime. Heroics and brave acts aren't needed these days. Its one man for himself.

Somewhere, somehow, I had a glimmer of hope for people around me. I help them, I know I shouldn't expect them to help me back. But in times of trouble, I know they at least will provide a word of comfort. I don't expect them to fight for me, but at least they will be by my side.

Amidst the riots, in the shelter far far away, in a foreign country. At least I am surrounded with people I trust, people I care about. People with some glimmer of common sense.

To those that are in areas of strife. I pray that you are safe.

To those who thinks that their future is gone. Do not despair, there is a future ahead of you, even though it is in the dark. The future is still there... Even you stepped off the beaten road, you will not fall to your death. Take a step into the unknown find a different door.

Embrace the change.

I still do not know what I am going to do, I am still standing at crossroads.

But if anything else to be done, I will do it. I will take the leap of faith.

Into the unknown.

Into the depths, to new heights.

Thats all.

Cheerio.

Episode 77: Post-UMAT Feelings

2011-07-28T17:31:00.002+08:00

Taking UMAT or Undergraduate Medical Admission Test is an eye-opener for me. Firstly, let me conclude that I am not cut out to be a medical professional.

The day prior to the test, I was hearing my heart beat and my life pounding away. Seconds tick by, and it turn into minutes and in turn hours. I lay in bed unable to sleep due to a mixture of emotions... Comprises mainly of panic and regret... Regret that I didn't acquire the skills in time to do the test, didn't quite maintain my composure overall... Mostly, regret that I could not live up to the expectations of my family and friends...

Well it is of course too late to regret or panic, since the test is on the next day. I can't seem to follow the test's logic...

Well basically UMAT is a huge IQ test with 3 sections... The 1st section is a logic test by which they gave you tons of data to process. Naturally some makes sense, most don't. I got a feeling to throw the paper at the examiner when I saw the paper start having algorithms out of nowhere.

Section 2 deals with understand human behaviour, yes. On paper. Human emotions aren't as simple to be jotted down on paper. We all think and interpret different human emotions differently. But in general, if someone talks to me, I can understand their emotions. But to quantify that and give it in these terms.

A. Self-pity to Anger

B. Upset to Anger

C. Self-pity to Annoyed

D. Upset to Annoyed

That would make a lot people annoyed. I still want to whack the guys who set those questions.. But they aren't to blame, I am sure that there are some people out there who are more suitable to do these kinds of questions.

Section 3 is pattern recognition or non-verbal reasoning.

What I saw that day was shapes that were unrecognisable.

Oh well, the test was done. So now I just hope for the best. In short, I will be doing Medical Science. Pathology here I come!

Anyways, I want to thank my family and friends who were supporting me till the end. I genuinely thank you guys.

For now, I gonna work hard in Semester 2 to make you guys proud.

Cheerio!

Episode 76: Hello Goodbye and Hello

2011-07-20T18:46:00.002+08:00

Now is break time! I realized that no one actually read blogs nowadays. Well, time to stop stating the obvious. Facebook is the IN thing now, everything and pictures are found there. I can imagine a few decades from now, I would be showing my kids (if I ever have in the future) my pictures online on Facebook.

I still remember the times where my parents kept photo albums, but now large screen TV are the primary means of displaying photos or movies. Well, times changed, things evolved.

Anyways, to bring things up to speed. The first set of exams just ended. I am confident that I can do well the exams. Australian exams i.e my Foundation Studies concluded today, well the Semester 1 part anyways.

In short it was quite easy, since I went through the amazingly hellish Singapore system by which 'A'Levels are not accepted anywhere. Ridiculous isn't it? A system which separates elites or the so-called and impart knowledge which is not really essential to us.

Anyways, to those who took part in the exams, have a good rest. Do not worry of what comes tomorrow since that there's still a future, even though if you scored well or badly, the future is still uncertain and not set in stone. Stay positive in the days to come. I am actually speaking for my friends and a reminder to myself. Not friends in Foundation Year but to all my friends.

Stay happy,

Cheerio!!!

Episode 75: Thicker Tears

2011-06-30T19:38:00.002+08:00

Time flies by fast.

Studying had never been so fun. Yes, I am stating the truth. I don't know why it is fun for that matter. Could it be because of the 2 years break that I took during the National Service? Or is that studying suddenly becomes more appealing to me?

However that does not matter.

Recently one of my friends had some problems. Self esteem issue I guess.

But I want to take my time here to say a few words.

One live their own life.

How one take their direction of their life is entirely up to oneself.

At every important point in one's life, there are always difficult choices to make.

Some choices you regret, some choices you celebrate because you take.

But all in all, making choices is a part and parcel of growing up.

No matter the consequences, making choices are basically weighing risks.

If somehow you picked the wrong choice. Its hard on yourself I know.

My advice is this.

Either continue on and try your best.

Or try to withdraw and find a better alternative.

It's sad, I know, I know that I may not understand how you feel.

Strive to improve.

Since you know your mistakes, it is a sign that you matured. Its a sign that you are in control of your life.

Recognize it and do not delay to grieve and lament.

Channel yourself to better yourself instead, make full use of your time.

In time to come,

when you look back,

I am sure that even though you regret.

What you are now,

people still support you.

Friends still hold your back even if you fall.

Family still hug you when you are sad.

Stay strong okay?

Cheerio.

Episode 74: Winter Wonderland

2011-05-30T21:45:00.005+08:00

So far, it was quite cold in Winter.

No really, I am not sarcastic in any way or form.

Of course winter is supposed to be cold, that what winter will be. However, for a guy who spent most of his life in the tropics, where the only changes in season will be whether it rains a lot or rains occasionally. Winter is quite cooling at a certain point, with me constantly blasting the air-conditioner in Singapore, it is no wonder when I come here to Australia, the weather is somewhat like a double edged blessing.

At least there's the heater to cheer me up whenever anything goes wrong.

Somehow, I have been feeling like a bear lately. As Alan kept on teasing me and calling me Big Bear in Chinese, I felt like I am sort of suited for the role as time gets into winter.

Putting on some amounts of weight, sleeping in bed and refusing to get up even though the sun shines into the room. Like I was going to hibernate in the cooling air-conditioner room, ideal to sleep, but not that ideal to work in. I fear to step on the weighing scale for fear of looking at my weight, but I guess I would be around the 80 kilo range by the time winter ended... At least clothes still fit comfortably around me, not to the extent that I have to suck in deep to fit into my pants.

In any case, updates are getting scarce since I have a lot to do for work, but I will constantly update here for random musings or so.

Cheerio!

Episode 73: Melting Point and Freezing Point

2011-05-09T22:42:00.003+08:00

When all fails, just talk about the weather!

After the General Elections, what my friends were all talking now on Facebook or Twitter is basically the weather.

In Singapore, it seems that there is a humongous heatwave that swept through the island.

No kidding, in that densely populated area where it seems that people were packed like sardines. The collective unanimous vote goes to the hot temperature.

It is quite funny where people were differ in terms of supporting ideas unite and complain against the heat after the rain. Its amazing the capacity where people love to complain, to yearn for the 'Goldilocks' environment. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right.

As natural location of Singapore is just a tinge off the Equator, it is somewhat closer to the sun, its kind of amazing actually, comparing to the vastness of space that is surrounding Earth, a small millisecond of difference, a smaller tilt angle, it results in such freak weather. I am no Geographer, but that is kind of awesome. Here I am in Australia, just a few hundred kilometers away, and I am freezing away.

Compared to the world, we are insignificant. On the first planet, temperatures were like a few hundred degrees apart from each other, yet the proximity of the planets is nearer to the sun.

~~~~~~~~~~

I am currently doing quite well here! Its nice here though, the amazing winds and the coldness, but the heater that I procure is quite useless though. It only warms the immediate surroundings and not the whole room. Worst come to worst, I may have to do my homework on bed at times.

This is almost the 3rd month I am here and I am already used to the cycle of life. Exciting things happened almost every day and I found more and more stuff to look out for. Hope that I didn't run out of exciting things to discover or else I am in big trouble in terms of entertaining myself. Well, I still have the Sudoku book to do....

Alright gotta go cheerio!

Episode 72: Political Instability

2011-04-27T22:16:00.002+08:00

Although I am not currently in Singapore now, the looming events that is going to occur there, namely the General Elections 2011 has drew the attention of mine.

Now to question why I was so interested in the General Elections only now in all these years since I was so indifferent in way countries work... Do I have a change in heart? No, absolutely not.

I still regard myself a man without a nation, without any particular loyalties. I don't feel the meaning of loyalty to country... I mean, now the country just provide us with a place to live in or work in. It doesn't give us any advantage in protecting it. Basically, National Service is nonsense... That is my raw feelings. Not just Singapore, Malaysia. Or heck any country for that matter.

Hard core activist may scoff. You serve the country, not the other way round. Your viewpoints don't matter or you are just a small insignificant cog in a machine (yes Albert Tantular I am talking about your words.)

But no matter how small or huge your contributions, it will be a thankless job in the long run. No one want's to be ignored. No one wants just to sit at the desk all the time surfing Facebook or playing Solitaire. Or worse, sitting at home jobless. Being affiliated with a country is a somewhat a frustrating thing, for me, being a Malaysian who rarely spends time in Malaysia, a Singaporean Permanent Resident who never get any benefits. I don't know that counts as bad luck or what. But I am sick of it all, that's why I never ever bother to care about the countries politics, even though it may indirectly affect me. The country can self destruct for I care.

It is not the place that matters, it is the people who made the place.

This line was gleaned off the movie/novel "I am Number 4."...

It resonates with me, I certainly don't miss Singapore, although I cherish the friends that I made over there. If any trouble befell my friends there, I will certainly fly back from Australia to here to check on them to see whether they are safe and sound. Tears well up in my eyes when I reminiscence the times that I spent with my friends, both good times and bad. Even when my friends had some difficulty even how big or small, I try to help in any ways I can, even if it sometimes result in some dire results.

As when I arrived at Sydney, I got to experience some Australian political landscape for a while. They were holding an election there, and the campaign is really no holds barred. Blatant and crude sounding advertisements were launched, loud placards and signboards were put out to smear the opposition while also asserting their usefulness and how they can deliver. In the past weeks or so, I was still thinking that well, Singapore will never stoop that low and it seems to be a clean fight or so I thought.

Currently, the political scene in Singapore is like a circus.

Since I only had access to media from the internet, I don't know about the other sides of the stories. The Facebook and the internet were like launching an all out offensive against PAP, the defacto ruling party of Singapore. It sounds one sided, but the way they present the news, selective quotes from PAP members, or the one that struck me most is the Tin Pei Ling fiasco, where she just stamped her foot and let loose with her emotions and screamed 'I don't know I don't know...' when asked about the states of the elderly and how are they going to combat with the issues of the aging population.

My jaw just dropped.

This kind of answer will net you a immediate failure in any General Paper work you do in Junior College or Geography we did in Secondary School.

And the ex-Chief of Army which I got the impression that he was a guy from some prestigious school to even landed a position in the CoA in the first place ( generally those people earned this position by having excellent qualifications.) , when he started to use Singlish and basically speaking in a way that treat us as drooling idiots.

My jaw just dropped.

What the hell, next time, I think the online dictionary will incorporate another form of English to their Repertoire, the ENG (Singapore). For your information that seminar isn't aimed at the general audience, but at the YPAP, maybe he is trying to lighten up the mood. But isn't Singapore trying to promote speak good english movement? It means there is a need to take a harder gander at the educational system.

A few issues were raised that were close to my heart.

One was the importing of Doctors from China.

Qualifications in Singapore were so hard to get into to Medical Course locally, people have to resort to go overseas, and furthermore, only 100 plus slots were open for locals.

Singapore also hire 1000 doctors per annum.

Asking my seniors who were doctors, they paid an arm and a leg to get high standard education to serve the society when they were needed the most. Instead, they found themselves out of job in a few years to come due to it being gradually replaced with cheaper alternatives (quality wise I am not sure too) but this is pure speculation and this speculation may come to pass.

In short, I will never work in Singapore again.

Even after pumping in cash to get educated, the earnings are just enough for a meager living. It is not even enough to repay my parents, considering I was just loaning money from them to study.

A melting pot, a place where everything thrives. They better get a new pot. The pot has melted and all the contents were everywhere, a mecca for the arts, business and pleasure. My foot.

Foreign talent to support nation...

I wonder, is it really needed? Since, Singapore is a melting pot of cultures and all, there is no such thing as a Singapore Singaporean or to be precise it is rare. Foreign talent is needed for? I thought by now Singapore is self sufficient? It is a comedy really.

And to add insult to injury is that Indian guy who said, "I am too important to do NS."

http://ns-is-killing-sg.blogspot.com/2011/04/new-citizen-i-am-too-important-to-do-ns.html

FUCK you.

How do people judge people in importance scale.

Everybody is important. I view myself important. I view my friends and family as important.

Of all I view god as most important.

That's just basically saying that my ego is too big to do anything.

Anyways, no use complaining now since the damage has already been done, but what I gathered, what I see makes me feel disillusioned from the world, a circus. That's what the world is becoming...

Well, somewhat I am enjoying studying here.

In the next post or so, hopefully will have some cheerful posts about my life here.

Cheerio!

Episode 71: Misplaced Faith

2011-04-17T21:52:00.002+08:00

This is my one month anniversary of me being in Australia.

Well, of course, I will be writing much about me now as this is my weblog. It would be my personal experiences and somewhat more along the way.

See, I don't even know what I am typing anymore...

Basically, my trust in humanity is waning. It is basically a free for all in the world. I don't see the hope that anyone would thrive in the future. The world doesn't care for your dreams one bit. This is the harsh fact.

No one cares how you live your life, no one cares whether you live or die.

All people cared about is whether you provide them with the warmth of cold cash.

Why have I landed up like this is due to a lot of factors. Some petty, some really need some thinking to it.

Maybe the greatest reason is me being in this world.

This world of where dog eats dog.

Place of unreserved judgement, where one rules with iron fist and those without connections or power shall bow down.

Anyways,

My friend's bicycle got stolen recently.

It kinda sucks, pardon my language here. But it is really fucked up seeing this sort of things happening around the world.

Truthfully, I gave up the second I heard that his bike got stolen, but to try to calm him down. I helped him looked for it anyways.

But the thing is, it is the look on his face. Not that it is priceless or epic. But the look of shock and the eventual feeling that dawned on him and the desperation.

The feeling of pity that sympathize that he will never get to see his 1st mountain bike ever again.

This post is getting too depressing.

Guess I just sign off here..

No need for a cheerio.

Hope that the world becomes a better place.

Amidst all the nuclear fall out from Japan and economic crises, the world has gone topsy turvy. Please world, don't supplement it with more dire and depressing news.

G'Night.

Episode 70: Uninterrupted Skyline

2011-04-09T22:09:00.003+08:00

Being alone, that is the primal fear that most people would experience.

Waking up one fine day just to find that you are the only person left on this world or even better, finding that you are basically invisible to the world surrounding you. How would you feel?

Distraction asides, I am currently not feeling this way so don't you guys start worrying.

More or less, I am settling down here properly and getting the swing of things going, fortunately I got some friends in my house that are giving me proper advice on how to survive the few years that I am going to be eventually staying.

School is starting again for me! While many of my friends back in the small speck in South East Asia is slogging away in their workspace or having a siesta at home, starting school now is a different experience altogether here. Instead of a common classroom where everybody sat down and wait for classes to start, we had a fun time running around the campus area trying to get to the venues on time. For the first week it was a like being in a nightmare running around the labyrinth to get to the right spot before the gates slam shut and the boiling lava catches up. Yes there is a time limit to get to the venue on time, they give a leeway of 5 minutes, but it is according to the teacher's watch, so some teachers are extremely finicky.

It felt a little weird studying here since this is basically a preparatory course for university... ( O_O Deja Vu? I heard this same thing in Junior College) Basically a repeat of the Junior college years or the late secondary years in Singapore, given the gap of time I had, I think I had more time to process the information that was given to me for the past 4 years. Some of them I had forgotten and some of them are just booster to my information.

In essence, I am basically a little wee bit overaged... Darn that army in Singapore. I better not reveal much of my age. Not that I am feminine. Just that I felt depressed that I may not be living an extra 4 years of youth. Felt depressed that I reach the 'Golden Years' earlier than most of them.

Another surprising thing I discovered is that instead of the 'Speak Good English' Movement (A campaign started in Singapore, which is ironic due to the nature of the 'broken English' as it's tagline) they tried to make us use more English instead. There is an overwhelming amount of Chinese that was in my class, making me quite stressed because, for one, I can't understand complex chinese sentences, and I don't like to play translator. Me in goodwill will do that, but I really dislike doing that.

Well, nothing much to talk about.

Since there is nothing much to talk about at the moment, the most logical thing is to talk about the environment! When all fails, talk about the weather...

The sky seems more open and spacious over here. It could be the illusion that I was given when I grew up in a urban city, I rarely looked up to the sky since all I could see was high-rise buildings everywhere that disrupt the skyline. In Brunei, it was the hills and jungles. Same goes for Malaysia. I think it was the construction that enables it to feel more spacious or basically Australia is it it's own continent after all.

The sun is really intense, made worse by the aptly placed ozone hole on top of us now. Yet the winds that blew here are cooling. Looks can be deceiving, and it really applies here, since you look outside and dress appropriately for the weather you thought that you would experience and the next second after you stepped out of the house, you would be frozen stiff by the cold wind.

Anyways, it is running late over here now. Gotta sleep now.

Cheerio!

Episode 69: First Impressions

2011-03-28T22:24:00.003+08:00

Making first impressions are not easy.

Why, many of my relationships starts off at the wrong foot due to wrong impressions.

So over the years I normally start off my first impressions by being a little on the guard of myself when meeting new people. Well, I decided to conduct an experiment to become a little more joyful when meeting people in army... Be a little more jovial and happy go lucky.

Well, I think it met with a certain disastrous results.

Granted that most of the people also reciprocate me with friendliness, but when I asked around how did my first impression fared... I felt a little ashamed with myself.

First impressions sets the basis of how the people treat you in the future. It is quite hard for people to change their initial analysis of you once you set off the wrong foot. Since people deal with people based on their first contact.

For example, if you met someone who doesn't talk too much and refrain from conversations, for me I would naturally avoid the person since he didn't participate much in the conversations. If the person talks a bit too much it is also a little counterproductive. I wouldn't talk to him because all I would do is listen and it would be one sided.

Another critical aspect is how would you act and carry oneself.

Why I don't understand is how 20 plus people carry themselves... Basically, whomever I met in recent times were like a little leaning towards the arrogant side, and when they do, they act high and mighty, like a kid.

Well I guess the previous sentence doesn't make much sense because of the high amounts of contradicting words. But basically, a 20+ year old acting like a child, or worse, a fledging woman who was prone to puberty outburst. Actually, I felt kind of sad for these people.

I can't be the best role model myself either. Most first impressions I gave people too were like, loud, obnoxious... How I gave these kind of impression eludes me and if I ever did that, I apologize. I am certainly learning every day, reflecting upon past mistakes and seeing how much I had grown, for example the previous 2 post, I felt that I could have handled it better, yet I do not know how. Most of this stems from my love for Japanese anime, games, light novels... for example. I am sorry if my amusement irritates you in any way or form.

So in a fresh new environment, I think its time to start over, before revealing my more otaku side, I would be more on guard. It would be safer for me to be more meek to other people. Since people judge a book by it's cover most of the time, I think I better put on some appealing book cover, and be removable quickly too, since different people have different taste.

So I guess this is it. First week in Australia. Rather cheerful and laid back.

Gotta go.

Cheerio!

Mega Episode 2: Dear Friends 3

2011-03-20T23:54:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I did a Dear Friends section in my blog.

This time it is time to say thanks to the friends that I had spent and made friends with during the past few years.

I don't know, most of my friends abandoned their blogs or something like that for Facebook or Twitter.

Anyways, it seems that my website is old or so and I guess I will be moving my website sooner or later, maybe after I go to Australia or so. But of course I will still post here.

So now, I switched off all of my electronics distraction, Facebook, PS3, DS, Internet to focus solely on typing this post in this blog. I would like to thank ardent readers of this blog. This will be an quite a long post as I will go through most of my friends one by one and give them my message. But if your name didn't appear here, don't despair or worry, each and every one of you have a special mention, just that I need to tell it to you face to face.

So, I going to go start now. Start from the very beginning.

Lee Ruo Xuan

How long has I since knew you? 9 years already passed ever since then... It is definitely sad to leave you after all these years. I seriously enjoy all these times I had been with you. Tutoring me in Chinese, laugh and catch up during these past few years. You know you are really adorable... You are sort of like my guidepost when I arrived at Singapore, I really had no idea what was the system in Singapore was like and you are the one who really planned out what you were going to do in advance. I love the way you are and hope that after the numerous years I am going to stay overseas, I hope I will come back and hang out with you again. Good luck on your studies in University and hope you stay safe and relaxed.

Dorry Poa

Another friend I had for 9 years... I certainly enjoyed the times we spent together, interacting with you and your household. Sharing and watching mysteries together, laughing and studying with each other. A dependable friend to the end, swimming at the weekdays together, sharing about life. There are lots of things I want to do and say but just that I don't know... Never had the time and the opportunity to do it. Even though sometimes silence permeate the air, we had fun together. And also, I will definitely miss the teasing you kept doing to make me message Ruo Xuan. I give you my mental support on your work and studies. Hope that you achieve what you want to do in the end.

Tommy Poa

Active on Facebook, more than usual now since you had an iPhone 4 (which I don't have... Jealous...) We had a fair share of fun, playing PS2 at your house and enjoyed scaring you in Fatal Frame games. You are quite a clever guy I say, reading books that was supposed to be beyond your caliber. I am glad to met a guy like you. Good luck on your studies and hope you pass your "O" Levels with flying colors.

The rest of the Poa Family

Jeffry, Irene and the adult figures. I enjoyed your continued hospitality and hope that I can repay you guys in some way or another.

Wang Sen

So, I guess it was goodbye ever since hm? Traveling to Taiwan and the various countries, this was the first time I travelled around with friends. Talking about games, sharing what is going around and about with our own individual relationship matters. After I go overseas, I guess you will be playing more than me right? I don't know that too. But yes, I have been e-mailing to you monthly to tell you what am I have been up to. Anyways, I hope to travel with you soon, maybe to the land of the rising sun will be next. Excuse me if I would geek out.

Seong Koon Yeu Keed

That was one hell of a bunk back in BMC hmm? I never knew I could enjoy army life. Especially the last few moments of BMC. We mutually helped each other out in tough times, went to church together, well, not together actually, attended church together. But most of the times I will be awesomely late or so... Please don't fret over me when I am not in Singapore, it is bad for your health. I don't like to see you wear that worried face, it makes me sad when you are sad. So cheer up kay? Thanks for all the times together and hope to keep in touch. Enjoy your life!

Chua Zhen Qin

Yo, I don't know whether you still got read my blog or not. But please do take it easy in everything you do. Although you may experience difficulties in dealing with a certain someone. Please don't engulf yourself too much in the hate train or sink into don't care mood too much. It is not healthy, although I can see that you vent on blogs or so, but to remind yourself of it is also a little too much right?

Anyways, glad to have you as a friend. Even though I may cause you many numerous blunders and troubles. You still cheerily laugh and travel with me. I hope I can do it again in the future.

Alan Ng

Hi, my always striving to be fit friend. I know you have a lot of quirks and oddities, like standing for an extended amount of time, also had to find a restaurant quick to settle down in else we will be foodless for a long long long time.

But I thank you for being my friend... Hanging out with me, talking about your time in army. (Even though I shut down when I heard about NS-life.) Hope to see you maybe at the end of the year, at your birthday perhaps.

Luther Lin

Well! You are a new addition here in my dear friends post! Haha, I don't know but strangely I love hanging out with you. Well, you certainly introduced me the shops around Singapore and the locales to visit or so. I never knew any of these in these past few years of my life. Enjoyed hanging out with you. Haha, you are certainly very joyful every time I say hello on MSN. That is what makes you unique and it certainly is beneficial to your work. Hope you become a wonderful nurse.

Ng Shan Hui

Yo! Congrats on getting the dental studies. I enjoyed talking with you during the army time and even now. I never knew I could break the one hour mark in talking on telephone. Since truthfully I had nothing much to talk about and most of the time I was 'hmm-ing and haa-ing' away. Even though there is nothing, it is really surprising we had much to say. Discussing much on BlazBlue even though I never had a chance to play it ever again, discussing a lot of my fave animes even though I guess you never watch some of the episodes. Certainly will miss talking to you in the near future. See you around, or in more proper terms.. Cheerio!!!

Chu Sheng Hong

If my life is like an work of fiction, I can say this is like a case and cast a few series of movies that are unrelated to each other. You really freak me out when you said that you were from Brunei and was in my class too. But sadly, my memory couldn't catch up with me. Its really bad, even though we weren't close enough I must have done something that warrants your attention. So in other words, you are the record holding guy that I knew the longest ever since... I don't know when. Really have to pardon my memory. I have a selective memory. But thanks for remembering me. I hope to remember you in the years to come.

Chiang Cheng Hsien

Certainly will miss your pestering once I leave for overseas, you been with me since army day one until the end of army. Its amazing that you had the capability to hold most of your emotions at bay. Unlike me, who is really emotional. Lets say that I am a polar opposite of who you are. Glad to have met you. And since you know so much about me, I guess you know how I am going to fare overseas... Hope to meet up again after my stint overseas.

The GC gang

The self professed longest cliques ever stayed together even after 4 years. I salute you guys, for me, I didn't know or experience any cliques before. Making friends is quite difficult for me since I was drifting here and there. My longest ever friend ship doesn't involve cliques more like a singular person from each phase of my life. It changes in JC where I had more than one good friends. Up to now I had no idea what does GC stands for, Guess™ collection? Graphics Calculator? Guys/Gals Club? Anyways it doesn't matter.... I enjoyed the cruising time with you guys. Although I know that there are some internal strife that happened, I hope you guys still stick together, even though it may not be as rosy as the last time.

Wong Wei Qiang

Hola! You are somewhat one of the more independent guys I have met, studying/working at a studious pace. It has been fun hanging out with you. Even though majority of the time there is a strong Singapore flavor of life on you, the usual complaining kiasu attitude. But thats what makes you kind of unique. Even people made fun of you in a joking manner, you know how best to make a comeback. Stay strong!

Alvin Arvind Jaya Raj

My that's a long name to type. Thanks for coming with Wei Qiang and Shan Hui to send me off. I really appreciate it! Haha, will certainly miss your teasing of Wei Qiang and all the likes... Sometimes that you provide me some information the wellspring of knowledge could not provide. Have a safe retirement from the army soon and hope to catch up with you soon!

That's it... I guess this would be what I could think of saying. The rest I would have gave personalized messages on Facebook or so. But this is all the thanks that I can muster up.

Thank you for being part of my life.

Cheerio!

Episode 68: The Kubikiri Cycle

2011-02-24T00:00:00.002+08:00

Kubikiri, it means decapitation in Japanese as being expounded on the previous post.

Well! Time for an update and review!

So this better part of the month is spent on traveling the world and working.

Quite an interesting way to find a work though, since it is less than one month before I leave for Australia, Alan was applying for a job and it struck me: "Hey! Why not try one before I leave?".

So I filled up for a part-time posting... In the end I got a job at FJ Benjamin Retail Section, just 2 days after I submit the application.

So for this past week until today, I had been working in Guess™ selling watches. Yes, Guess is part of FJ Benjamin for some reason. Quite fun experience considering you met a lot of people from various walks of life.

Bargain hunters, which the initial discounts are still too low. Need to give them more discounts.

Snooty high class foreigners and locals, whom money means nothing to them. Sadly, people working there are also grouped in the place where they 'don't care'.

Well, lots of things happened on that short one week that I worked there. Lots of drama. Very very interesting but I am lazy to elaborate. Interesting but not that interesting to be written down here.

But I would like to thank those people who make my life there an enjoyable one, talking to people to pass time and meeting lots of foreigners who brought smiles to my face.

Speaking of which, it is less than one month to go before I go overseas.

Prepared my clothes for overseas already, now left is to settle the rest of my funds and the school fees.

Oh, by the way, I noted some activity in my chat roll. That is good, that is good, or maybe I should say that's bad? Either way it doesn't matter.

The "Guest" that appears in my chat roll I can probably guess who or what is it.

It could be the monkey who is hell bent on destroying my personal life 2 years ago.

Tch, a term is already been defined for that kind of action, schadenfreude. It means derive pleasure from one's suffering. To be more gleeful or feel better by downplaying other's people life and crush their hopes and dreams and hope that they wallow in misery.

Most people aren't born well off.

Neither they are mostly born with savant like abilities.

Oh with regards to say who says that I am smart... Go ask them yourselves, since I believe that you thought that you are smarter or maybe hence endowed with more deductive reasoning skills than me. Throw you a bone, those people that I am talking about, they are not one of my family members.

Trying to critique whatever thing I do. I guess it's like that since there are no aspirations or goals that you held.

I enjoy playing with you... Like a few years ago.

Now it's your turn to make the next move.

Either ways, you lose.

Since a reply will incite something altogether unpleasant.

Or a lack of reply will also result in my win.

Checkmate.

Anyways, back to normal schedule! Going out with my friends this weekend.

Cheerio!

Episode 67: The Savant

2011-02-10T19:15:00.002+08:00

Savant: It is derived from a french word, savoir, it means knowing or in other terms, an expert.

In the world there are unique people who exists, Michaelangelo, Mozart, Einstien, the three that I listed are popular within their own field and were called experts and geniuses by those who heard of them.

Did they work hard to achieve these results?

Sometimes, it is because of a disability or natural born talent?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been reading works of NisiOisiN for these past few days.

NisiOisiN is his pen name, I don't really know what is his actual name at the moment.

Incidentally, the way I encountered his works is not by reading his light novels, instead it was the adaptation into animation by other studios.

So the one that I read was being translated to English and the name's Zaregoto: The Kubikiri Cycle. Zaregoto is a old Japanese name for nonsense and kubikiri is translated to Decapitation cycle.

I guess what it boils down to is there was a murder that occurs on the island, and the island is full of geniuses. The trick is the main character isn't a genius at all, he was just accompanying his friend who is a genius engineer. Him solving the mystery where the other genius fails... That was a nice point.

------------------------------------

To tell you the truth, I am actually quite envious of the things that surround me.

Friends.

Work.

Environment.

Results.

These are some of the things...

Rooted deep within me lies this kind of envy.

Why? I don't know.

This is the standard 3 word answer I always give.

Why am I so mediocre?

I was repeatedly surrounded by people better off than I am. It is like being in a world where everyone is a superhero and I am just a regular joe.

People worse off than I am is such a rarity that people around me seems like a genius to me.

I scored a meek 3 C's in 'A'Levels. While people around me are averaging about 2 'A's.

The day I received my results. Frankly speaking, I was crushed. Even though I was in army. I couldn't get my mind off it. Watching other people being depressed makes me think, hey, I am not alone. When asked about their results. They said that they didn't get all the 'A's they want got 3 'A's and they were hoping that their single lone 'B' could transform into an 'A' if they cry hard enough.

Automatically, I was pissed off. I was trying my best. I was on the verge of tears. Yet in my eyes where people try their best and never achieve the goals. I was hoping that the process is way beneficial than the end result.

People get depressed because they weren't ideal.

While I was fighting to get the same results.

Comparison is really a sin.

How I hate it when it happens.

No matter what I do, I somehow gets the short end of the stick. Yet somewhat ironic way, people view me as clever.

I am no savant.

Or a more precisely, I haven't found my true calling yet.

So far I am doing what I love to do best, even though it is not much.

I don't dislike myself the way I am, on the contrary, what I reflect on is that what I did.

I still stick by my friends, even though strangely, most of my friends seem to be way in the 'genius' field than I am.

Fared better in results.

Fared better in relationship.

Fared better in common sense.

Fared better in advice.

Fared better in having fun.

Why I stick to my friends it is precisely because of this.

It may seem that because they are smarter than me, thats why I hang out with them in hopes of becoming even smarter myself.

It could be this that makes me like them even more and cherish my moments with them.

It could be that, I am being me. That is why, all these.

It doesn't matter.

All I can remind myself is that.

I am a savant in my own way.

Only I can surpass myself.

Cheerio!

Experiment 1: Type

2011-01-28T21:48:00.003+08:00

I have been thinking. Since I had nothing to do. Why not type what goes on in my mind?

Keep in mind that this is not a 100% carbon copy of what I will be thinking. But yeap. What goes on in my mind when I was thinking to myself.

I guess I am quite tired and my head is aching. I yearn to exercise and all these yet I didn't have any avenue to do it. Eh, music. My eyes are kinda numb. Come to think of it. This internet isn't free.. Yawns. Eh. Goodbye? The music sang that. Oh. Hm. Wang Sen, he is in china now hm. Oh wondering what is Zhen Qin doing now. Yeu Keed must be enjoying his ORD I guess. Staring at the chandelier. Wow that was some nice lines the light projected form the chandelier. Hmm. Come to think of it. the exit sign is written in malay. Should I call my dad to pick me up? I guess I want to take a nap now... Drowsy I am getting. Should I brush my teeth later on?

Episode 66: 5 Centimeters Per Second

2011-01-28T21:27:00.000+08:00

I selected this title for my blog post because like the animation with the same name. I undergone similar experiences in my life.

Love?

What is love?

Does it transcends the space-time boundary?

Does it last?

Thinking about the future really makes me feel so uncertain.

What do I really have to fear? All my life I never had to make life changing decisions even though I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

Come to think of it, love comes in many forms. Like. Dislike.

Will anyone say that they love each other?

How about in the form of friendly terms?

If you like being with a friend, love having fun with him or her. How to express that gratitude towards him or her wholeheartedly without dissing them off because of the word love?

Love is quite a subjective matter, it could be one sided. It could act both ways and never reciprocate. Quite depressing no? Then there is the degree of love. One is like or love, one is strong enough to leave an impression and the other strong enough to leave an impression that someone fell for the other party.

It is all Greek to me.

It is definitely weird, the feeling of urbanization I mean.

I have been to so many countries last month, or sort of so many countries when I had been only to 3 distinct countries. Singapore, Malaysia and Taiwan.

The weird thing is that. Every thing looks so familiar, the flats the roads, even the uniquely unique it seems so very old and reused. Now, the only difference that I had seen is the language they had and each speak, the density of the population and the availability of certain provisions.

Gone were the times where I will visit the country and say, wow! That was some cool architecture! So old and majestic! It makes me wonder what 1000 years ago feel like. I think people of that time will somewhat think, what boorish architecture! Such as what I will think about current architectures… Like for example, the shopping malls and the high rise office towers.

Now, I am in said overseas, that is, away from home. But in sheer irony, I wasn’t really being relegated a home. That is, it may seem that I had a mobile home. Was I a Malaysian? A Singaporean? Or am I just a plain nobody?

Frankly speaking, people say that home is where the heart is. But what do you mean heart?

Does it represent family?

In that case, I don’t know how strong my attachment to my family is.

Seriously, I am not saying that I am the sort who treats family like some tap where money pours out. It’s just that love doesn’t seem to equate for me for some weird reason. I may change my opinion once I get older but for the time being. I rather stay away from my family members than get together with them. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes I just need the time off. 2 years of army won’t cut it and army doesn’t come into the picture.

Does it represent friends?

Initially, I really do feel a tinge of regret leaving friends behind. Well, come to think of it, the concept of having and making friends are a little new to me, even though I boasted about my uncanny ability to make friends out of nowhere. That is from outsider’s view; I am unusually chatty I guess. Most of the friends I know, Wang Sen, Sheng Hong or Daniel Foo take them for example, they have sort of settled down or convert themselves to Singaporean. Deep down inside, I sort of envy them for their conviction. Yet for some reason I don’t comprehend do not want to tie myself down in Singapore. True, Singapore has the lowest tax rates and crime rates available, it is simple. I don’t quite feel happy being there. If there is a happiness chart to describe my satisfaction level… I will definitely give it a 3 out of 10 for effort. I will talk about my friends more eventually when I get to it.

Does it represent myself?

As elaborated above, I really do not feel attachment that much, maybe a little I guess. That said, saying goodbye is really painful for me near the end. But the feeling sort of passed somewhat? That reminds me to do a Dear Friends post. It is quite long overdue it seems. Looking back, it doesn’t mean much since that I am always travelling around. Even the person that I felt is most dear to me, RuoXuan, I distant myself from her to mask any attachment towards her. Even though I like her a lot, as I said earlier, saying goodbye sucks to the core.

Who am I? What is my personality?

Maybe I am just a normal guy going with the flow.

Or maybe I am just babbling nonsense here.

Don’t get me wrong. Even though not much people read my blog. I guess this really confuses the heck out of people.

That said. I really do not know who am I.

I also do not know what kind of personality I have.

In the end… I guess this kind of confusion and chaotic thinking and reasoning is who I am. Or on the other hand, what you make me to be is what I am.

That uncertainty of myself doesn’t qualify as a heart.

Do I have a heart?

I know I have the one beating in my chest.

But I want to know. It is the one people figuratively talked about.

That said, this blog post started out nonsensically.

I started it because I want to pour my heart out in sorrow, yet the river runs dry before it reach the dam.

A blog post that takes 4 weeks to write… In times of joy, there is no posting. Yet, in an isolated Internet deprived place, I can pour my thoughts and musings into a Microsoft Word document on a Mac. How Ironic. Everything in this paragraph I mean.

From this paragraph on, I will end this post. But the continuation is just my mental vomit.

Well, what was I busy doing? Firstly, I went to Taiwan. It was an excitable trip going with my friends or friend for that matter, the other 2 girls were just acquaintances. I got myself so many things or rather not much things at all. The most prized ones are the Katanagatari light novels.

My grasp of Chinese Language is down the drain therefore I was trying to salvage them. Doing the fan base of Katanagatari a favor to by translating them to English too but the sentence structure and expression is a little awry.

So yeah, I am doing the unofficial fan translation of Katanagatari online. See whether you can find it or not.

To say that I am an avid traveller… I would graciously tear down your ideas. This month, I have spent a grand total of 12 days in Singapore. The rest of the time I spent travelling around Asia with friends and family. Crazy? I thought so. Bad planning I should say. The world is full of weird coincidences. I met my teacher more than once in Batam. Met a friend in Taiwan. Planned a trip that ends on the same day another one is poised to begin.

Reminds me to make a monthly letter to my friends.

I rather hate writing snail mail.

Firstly, my handwriting is shoddy.

Although I love the feeling of writing, the chances I misplace my stuff is higher than misplacing online stuff.

Secondly, I rarely finish my work in one day.

Blog Posting takes ages to complete, how am I suppose how long it takes for one letter to finish?

With the advent of FaceBook or Twitter, I guess most of my friends were quite well connected with each other. No need for more words, just “LOL” on my Facebook page will do I guess…

But writing snail mail has its charm, sending packages to people overseas is also quite fun! I guess… Getting excited over a notion like that. I guess I am still just a kid.

Really in an Internet dependent world like this… I am getting bored.

In a grand scheme of things, I guess the Internet also could not be trusted. In just a few minutes after I logged in online. The Internet screwed up big time. Thoroughly disappointed.

So I guess this blog post can go on forever if I wanted it to, or until the Internet comes back. Speaking of which, it seems without Internet I was able to think much clearer and blog. Conversely, what will happen if I am bored? Will I do something else entirely? It is super weird that I was trying to blog without a full Internet connection. This is what it must feel like to be inspired I think…

Funny, even though I didn’t have an Internet connection, my hands work on impulse and jammed straight for the Safari button on the desktop.

It felt a little funny to go through what I just think, for example. Suddenly I noticed quite a number of things. Well, I guess it is a topic for another day or the next blog post. Since, well there are lots of oddities I have and a little bit more musing to do.

Since I have a lot of time to spare. I decided to do something stupid in midnight. Like writing a letter without an Internet connection to a friend for instance. Don’t get me wrong, I am not ranting because I am pouting that there is no Internet Connection, nor am I whining because I am stuck in a place that I seriously do not want to be in. I like writing and thinking but it is just that I hadn’t been doing it much since a few years back.

Heck, last time, for an episode, I may just type.

WORST. DAY. EVER.

And call it a day.

Maybe the next day will be even worse. Then in the next blog post is.

WORSE. DAY. THAN. THE. WORST. DAY. EVER.

Sensibilities aside, I guess this is one of the ways I developed over time?

But essay structure aside, which felt quite fictional for the time being.

Since I was always being influenced with factors around me such as books and video games etc etc.

Plus, being in Malaysia I kind of forgot about something. It is the impressive amounts of mosquitos present in the vicinity. I kind of fed 2 whole families of mosquitoes this night alone. Those bloody blood starved monsters.

Furthermore, there isn’t anything to do here. Other than typing these, listening to music or reading Katanagatari/Zaregoto Light novels, I am basically following my grandmother around the shopping district, or should I say market district.

I don’t get that how my arrival in Malaysia is worth a hoot, since she was chatting up everybody and exclaiming that I was back. Like I was some hot movie star or something.

Maybe I gleaned off something in my life in NS is that I hate to waste time. True I love to spend time alone, but to waste time. It is another thing altogether. I love to have time for daydreaming and thinking, but this is too much to bear.

Just saying that I hate to stand around waiting for people to chat with each other, I felt like I am just a mere decoration. Oh, and there are some golden questions that one should not ever ask me, one of them is girl friend. And the others are giving advice that does no bearing on my life.

Crap, my mind is a total confusion right now. Yesterday was filled with so many ideas. It could have been the darn mosquitos fault for sucking most of it away. Guess I better recharge for a while.

Episode 65: 2010. Review and Contemplation.

2011-01-02T19:16:00.005+08:00

I do not know but ever since the start of this year, every morning I woke up and plugged myself into the computer.

Well, so far I was like thinking what did I achieve last year...

Judging from a post one year ago in which I blogged about writing a will which still stands although the legal form of a will actually need a couple of witnesses to make it legitimate.

Anyways, still as distracted as ever. Which led me to wonder what in the world will I ever do when I reach Australia since internet is quite a rare thing to come by.

Well last post I talked about how I spent the last day of 2010. This post I think I will mainly expound on the year 2010 in general.

On character development I realized that people aren't as what they seem. Many a times people are just too self centered and really selfish. Every little thing they have to scrutinize whether it is beneficial for them or not.

I'm not saying that I am not guilty of this acts but it really irritates me when it really affects me. I once helped out but was duly repealed and even scolded for it. Until now deep down I really loathe that guy. Maybe all I was looking for is a feeling of gratitude. Thats why I give unconditionally to people in need. Saying thanks and smile at people to brighten their day. It may irritate scrooges but sure, I give but if you guys do not want to take, just keep quiet.

Other than that, this year making friends have been not much problems for me, and I leave it at that.

Talking about my competitive spirit, I think I was like pulling out all stops just to win anything that I can get. Even in Gran Turismo, which was lauded as a real driving simulator. I was trying to crash and whack the other people to win.

On family matters, relationship between my father has been healed somewhat, but the traumatic event still lingers on in my mind. Even though what he does or what I do to mend the relationship, it will never be the same again. My heart is still cold and indifferent towards his words or acts.

In any case, I also got to do something with my 'help anyone' mentality. It is really getting out of hand. I actually spent the whole day today just to make a movie for my sister.

I know it is nothing bad, but it really drained me of energy.

Alright going to sleep now.

Cheerio!

Episode 64: 2010, A Year in Retrospective.

2011-01-01T02:45:00.002+08:00

Just 2 hours ago, at GMT +8 Singapore. The year 2010 has just ended.

People celebrating the end of the year by blasting their horn of their cars. Gleefully looking up at the myriad of fireworks littering the skyline.

But not at the skyline I was looking at.

Sprinting across the Central Business District, we tried to catch a glimpse of the new year.

We made it short, but holy god. This is the first time we spent new year outside and the most memorable thing we did is to sprint in CBD.

Although we agree that this is quite fun thing to do, it was quite unorthodox too. I was imagining myself to be taking pictures of fireworks and enjoying the view. Not running across Singapore River trying to get a good look of the place.

In the end, we didn't manage to get a good look at the fireworks. Just the sound effects and the view of buildings that dominate our view. But in the words of my friends, "Good effort, good effort. We look like some characters out of anime, bleeding, sweating and about to reach the goal."

Anyways, time for new year's resolution!

Or so I think, setting goals early this year is quite a futile thing I should say, since either most people break their resolutions.

I already had a goal in mind since long time ago, it has been encompassed in my needs and wants. Just to make it seem like I am not recycling resolutions.

Here it is.

1. Work in Smile Please Company.

2. Get a Mansion.

3. Surpass myself.

4. Help people enjoy life.

5. Travel Around the world.

6. Be more cash independent.

7. Come up with a catchphrase for myself.

8. Be more fit?

9. Chronicle everyday by making sure I write down one exciting that happen everyday or make something exciting happen.

Alright.

I gotta go now.

Ciao!

Or since its a new year. It deems a new ending.

Cheerio!

Episode 63: Sudden Frustrations

2010-12-28T20:05:00.001+08:00

Today was really not a ideal day for me.

To recuperate from the injuries sustained from the Kuala Lumpur-Malacca Trip, I spent the day at home.

For the past few days, I had suffered from bad bowels. Not an official terminology that most medical staff uses but yea. Queasiness in my stomach that made me attend toilet sessions regularly, either to vomit or to blast my ass out.

So I have decided to rest at home at least for a day.

So far recounting this week. It is definitely not good.

Outbreak of pimples. Bad health and it feels that my lung has a hole. Even with regular exercise, I grew more weary than ever and almost to the point of collapse. Dizziness spells sometimes strike for no apparent reasons.

That is not the tip of the iceberg.

My entertainment device, iPod has stick with me through thick and thin, but then the earphones failed me again. What misfortune.

The ones I bought in Malaysia caused substantial damage to my earlobe, not eardrum. Currently, my ears are hurting like crazy.

Apple sometimes have to destroy my works without letting me know. Synchronizing photos on Facebook™ took donkey years already and since I am using MacBook, it has a fixed volume.

Therefore to free up space, I decided to delete the photos on MacBook, having trusted it to be transferred to the seemingly endless chasm of FaceBook dataspace.

Imagine my horror when 200 plus of my photos were gone and the rest of my day were spent restoring them to it's integrity. Well not fully restored, the comments and tags were totally removed and I am damn annoyed for one.

Playing games doesn't even help much, since most of my games are either too monotonous now, or too difficult. And it leans towards the latter, imagine waiting for photos to load back up while playing a real racing simulator and consistently losing.

God!

Its time to take a break.

Ciao.

Episode 62: Holly Holiday Cheer

2010-12-23T15:35:00.003+08:00

I spent the Christmas Season over in Malaysia this year. And at this point of typing, still in Malaysia.

Well, firstly, Happy Birthday Jesus!

And have a Merry Christmas and Boxing Day to the rest of the world and my friends.
In a tradition that I carry out, I will send my friends personalized messages that I crafted in every occasion, i.e Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year...

It is quite heartwarming to receive some replies from my friends.
I sent out a huge batch of messages to my friends, but sadly not all, and here are the replies I get before I depart to KL.

Ng Shan Hui:
Lol thanks

Tommy Poa:
Thanks!! You too!! Enjoy your trip!!

Benjamin Chew:
Merry christmas and a blessed new year to you too. O yes, may i know which daniel are you? Cos i know abt 4daniel in my contact list.

O. Haha. O so Paiseh. Lol. Where are you now?

O dear. Bro you will be there not comin back le ah?

O okie. Bro enjoy your treat yea. See you soon. May God watch every steps you take and protect you in every place you go. :)

Baskaran:
Thanks merry christmas
Baskaran

Seong Koon Yeu Keed:
You too buddy... Enjoy yourself!

Alfi Syahrin:
Thks bro. Merry christmas to u too

Chua Zhen Qin:
Merry christmas to you too!

Edmund Wee:
Thanks Daniel. Likewise you too! Have a great year ahead!

Firdaus Bin Mohd Alip:
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to u and ur family!

It seems that spending holidays away from home is a little awkward, furthermore that last few Christmases had been spent in the comfort of home or visitations to family.
In secondary school days, caroling with the Boys Brigade and exchanging gifts.

The celebratory feeling is somewhat gone and somehow, I guess it will be even more so for the subsequent holidays ahead since I will be spending most of my time overseas. Even though I excel in making friends, sometimes, things aren't the same when I am not doing things that I
was not accustomed to.

Anyways, the trip to Malaysia.
I seem to find that going overseas with family can be fun, if we brought the right amount of people along.

My little brother wants to go home after he reached Malaysian soil.
My sister wants to hog the spotlight of the camera.
My grandmother refuses to walk up flights of stairs.
And most of them are breezing through attractions like no tomorrow.

All in all, I guess so far traveling with friends/alone is still the best.

But anyways, pictoral evidences of my trips and the thoughts that accompany the photos will be posted on Facebook.

Which led me to wonder what is the maximum capacity that Facebook has in store?

Alright.
I gotta go now.

Ciao.

Episode 61: Coded

2010-12-19T22:59:00.002+08:00

In the middle of the night, with the rest of the entertainment devices switched off.

Lying down on the bed with a sprawl of sheet music on my left and the plans for Taiwan in front of me, and here I am experiencing a 'Writer's Block' or should I say 'Typer's Block'?

Planning is somewhat a hassle, considering that I have no map of that location. Furthermore, most of the plans are in Traditional Chinese.

I had been exposed to lots of languages, English and Mandarin primarily. Malay has been introduced later on to me in Brunei which is their basic language.

Arrival in Singapore forced me to adopt a more common stance in language which led me to discard most of my attention on other language and instead focus on one language.

Bad mistake, since now, my grasp on every single form of language is diluted.

My command of English is considered quite bad already, since I am unable to present my ideas in proper coherent paragraphs.

My Chinese is totally doomed. I resorted to only using the chinese vowel dictionary to help me to input words and most of the language I have no idea what the words mean or the combination of words mean. People speaking with me tend to realize I came from out of Singapore due to the heavily accented (I didn't even know)

Malay on the other fared worse than the rest, since I have been practicing how to speak Malay due to the amount of maids employed from Malay dominated countries.

The standard I had been maintaining is Primary 4. Other than that, nothing changed much. But at least I still be able to strike up a proper conversation in Bahasa Melayu.

For now, my plans for now is just to get all the administrative paperwork settled for my studies overseas and wow, Singapore is constantly surprising me. Why, I was being assigned to my unit not long before I was being expunged from the army system. While those who were purged out of the system for quite some time were not even part of any unit?! Laughable indeed.

But no matter, because for now I am awaiting the landlord confirmation that I had indeed secured my lodging before I moved into the Great Outback.

Speaking of which.

I am about to finish up on the planning of the trips, now procuring clothes for the holidays ahead.

Ciao!

Filler 37

2010-12-17T23:23:00.003+08:00

Life is certainly full of coincidences.

Either that or the world is certainly quite small.

Today, I went to Batam for a short break from mainland Singapore with Wang Sen and his friend Bernice.

Since including today will be the third time I set foot on Batam,Indonesia island, I will be sort of like a guide for them on the island because I knew how to converse in basic Malay and my experience will come quite handy.

Before even setting foot in the terminal, we met one of our friends Rakesh.

That was a pure coincidence as we are just heading to Batam and he was heading for work at the Universal Studios.

On site at Batam Center's Megamall, I had a run in with my ex-secondary school teacher.

The last time I had been to Batam, I met him too, and was reminiscing about it when suddenly he just popped right in front of me..

I really had a special ability or I had some kind of special power to had this kind of coincidences happen on me.

Super Luck I should say.

Even Bernice's colleagues were my friends from secondary school.

Well, more on Batam trip, I would more or less say that this is quite a successful one.

Made a new friend, Harry. (Not the Potter)

Went to the Golden Prawn and have lunch. Plans had changed quite a bit because the restaurant on the top floor closed down and we had to get out of MegaMall to travel around.

All in all, the picture were available for viewing in FaceBook.

Ok.

Going to sleep now.

Ciao.

Episode 60: Hello, World

2010-12-10T04:21:00.002+08:00

Have you ever been so excited for something that it renders a night's rest useless?

This is what I am currently experiencing now, kind of stupid reason to stay up really. Since nobody's online except for myself.

Well, the reason is that today is finally the last day of my army life.

Started 1 year and 363 days ago (can be rounded up to 2 years), and miraculously ended today. Not saying that there are many hitches, but yes, some notable ones that really pressured me to give up a lot of times. All in all, it all boils down to today, where I will walk down the final lane, the last lap to snatch the winning baton to the next phase of my life.

Nothing really much will happen today I guess, meet up with old army friends. Saying goodbye to juniors and co-workers, although quite tempting to point middle fingers to some of them before I leave that place.

What will I be doing in the near future you ask?

Quite simple, I think GOD already has plans for my future. Just as this phase of life is ending, coincidentally, both of the placement of University in Australia and Accommodations facilities wrote an e-mail to me to confirm it.

So yes, I will be heading to Australia, and at a even faster pace than expected.

Initially, I thought I will be leaving in end of March. In the end, it was scheduled at the mid-March. 18th March 2011 to be exact. So I guess I will reach at around 16th March that time period.

But for these few months, I guess I won't be starting to work. Since I will be leaving that early, instead the efforts spent in these few months to come will be for family and friends.

I already had a broken relationship with my parents, especially my father.

We are still not on talking terms even though this month I was like spending the whole month at home.

I also guess it will be hard to separate myself from the games that I grown so fondly attached to.

I do not want to elaborate about it but yes, I need to separate from them too.

Another opportunity presents itself for me to reset, wrong. I guess I should not look at the end of a phase like this.

For me, every time a cycle ends, I will leave the past behind. However, people and memories will eventually catch up to remind me.

Primary School:

Although I hate to admit it, Sheng Hong is one hell of a shocker to me.

Secondary School:

Dorry and his family for sticking with me since then.

Junior College:

Emo-kid Alan and Jovial Zhen Qin.

and this time in army, a more plethora of friends I had made, all from various ages.

I can't say I will be forgetting them altogether. But instead of running away and shunning away from negativity that the past cycles gave me, instead I guess I had learn how to embrace the mistakes that I had made. Sure of course sometimes I can get upset, sometimes I get too emotional.

But overall, I had made leaps and bounds in gaining experiences. I won't forget and experiences will render me stronger. I hope. I believed that. I challenge someone to test that. I have faith in myself and with God.

I know this blog will be actually be more of a journal of my thoughts, but in any case.

To my Juniors,

Enjoy your time there, even the elders are trying to make your lives a living hell.

To my friends who read this blog,

Don't be dishearten, even if I am miles away. Threads of technology will connect us. Technology advances to such a point that it shows a shrinking globe phenomenon.

Well, onwards to collect my True Blue Identity Card.

Really, I don't need it actually, Identity Card is to show what you are in the eyes of the government.

What is more important is how people view me, not as a Blue IC holder, Not a ex green carder. But as a friend who strives to help as much people as possible.

I have stressed that, being friends is more important than anything in the world. Not getting trophies in PSN, not going out to play, but quality time spent with friends to make bonds stronger and that feeling in itself is a valuable and cannot be measured and compared with time spent alone.

Anyways,

I don't think I will be able to sleep until I get the IC back. To say goodbye to the workplace I spent 1 and a half years there.

But all in all, saying goodbye is an inevitable act. Just how we look upon goodbyes that is the crux of it.

Ciao for now.

Episode 59: Palindromes semordnilaP

2010-12-04T22:06:00.004+08:00

I sincerely apologize for the horrific layout of my previous blog post. It is duly my fault for not checking the finished layout.

Since last time I chose this blog layout due to the fact that most of my blog stuff can be presented on the blog in small tiny due to me having a quirk of writing long sentences to portray what I want to say instead of saying concise sentences to convey my feelings.

Nisio Isin or better known as NisiOisiN, written that way to show his palindrome pen name.

To me, he is one of the more prolific writers in the 21st century. His works are able to rival Dan Brown and J.K Rowling in my opinion.

His light novels are written in a unique way, full of nonsense yet it makes sense in a way. For example the main character's name is called "I" and he is the "Master of Nonsense". Purist novel readers will immediately shoot down these light novels earlier if it had not been in Japanese. His first works has just recently been translated but not all of it.

What he focuses more are actually the characters itself, character development and how they grow over time itself. Mysteries and more mysteries abound and there are no sappy happy endings most of the time. A couple of his light novel series has been adapted to the anime central.

One of it is Bakemonogatari(Ghostory, Ghost-Story), a series which pride itself in lots of speech in discovering oneself. Like for example, to cure her, the main character has to fall in love with her, which is a stated impossibility because he is in love with someone else. And it show how the internal struggle within himself to prove that he is willing to save the girl and all the while finding the cure.

The next work is Katanagatari where in this year I am gushing out countless praises for it. It is about traveling throughout Japan collecting 12 Deviant Blades that was supposed made from occultic means. Every blade they obtain is unique in it's own right with their own baffling abilities.

I was thinking, what if I started writing my own light novel series?

Since my life is rather colorful with lots of unique characters, it should be quite easy to find inspiration to write my own novels.

So many things to do, yet so little time for me to craft a compelling story with a unique world.

Anyways, this will be a short episode before I go on to a longer one.

Ciao!

Episode 58: Gleeful Existence

2010-12-03T00:37:00.000+08:00

In the beginning of school life, we are taught that, whenever we start a English composition, we are supposed to leave a spacing in the beginning as like in this paragraphs and for the next few paragraphs to come. Doing some research in Wikipedia and Google, I now currently realize that the 'space' that follows is called an 'indent' or indentation. Three Cheers for the power of the internet eh?

Look at what changes bring. Last time, I had to deal with me writing properly due to sloppy handwriting, but now lo and behold, everyone's penmanship is the same, Times New Roman! Screw the indenting in the beginning of the paragraph. Now even Twilight or Harry Potter didn't have any indents in the paragraphs.

People may argue that pen and paper is better at expressing hand motions and technology is catching up, there seems that there are more ease of people relying on computers to archive their stuff. Heck, I am even bringing my laptop for schooling purposes too. We do not have to worry about spelling mistakes, although some auto-correct nightmares will eventually happen one time or so. " Check out some awesome ones at www.damnyouautocorrect.com " But there are some positive aspects and negative aspects. For me, I still carry a pencil box and paper, if for some reason that the computer will crash on me on an important note taking sessions, I will not be screaming bloody murder at a loading screen or to a dead battery while hoping that there exist a battery defibrillator somewhere.

From this paragraph onwards, I am writing on a different day. Typing on a different day allows me to evaluate myself more so therefore my blogpost also has sometimes different mood all in all. Its not surprising that even though I get the need to blog, but will eventually get distracted time and time again by internet and games.

I am also experiencing hallucinations in sleep. Most of it was like continuation of what happens after I wake up. Like for example. That day I supposed to go out with Alan for lunch and of course maybe do some walk around. I woke up with a headache and proceeded out for breakfast. Then I received numerous messages telling me what to do in eerie detail. It turns out that I am just plainly still sleeping and after I really woke up, I got severe headache due to my brain working overtime. In regards to my sleeping habits, my body clock is destroyed beyond recognition. Even the alarm clock in my phone failed to wake me up, or my consciousness level is too whacked to even recognize the presence of my phone. Or my phone's alarm plainly doesn't work anymore.

The momentum is really picking up here and I am gearing towards the final sprint. Application for university is a bitch to process. With numerous addendum and payment to make.

Alright. I am going to take a walk now... Nothing much to rant here already. Ciao.

Imagination Opus.1: How I Wish

2010-12-01T19:06:00.002+08:00

I am drifting along the crowd of memories.

Thinking about the times that past.

I want see what life has imparted on me,

on every journey it has brought me.

It all started not too long ago,

where my life came to be.

Early years are a bit fuzzy,

but I just let it be.

Every single experience, big or small.

I was there to absorb it all.

Deep within my memories,

was everything meant to be?

How I wish,

Everything could be more different.

I wish for change,

I wish for hope,

I wish it all for our future.

I faltered at the sight of adversity,

believing that I could never make it.

But every single turn, a miracle will occur.

But all in all,

sometimes I wish alternative lives.

More often than not,

I wish that I were in happier times.

Walking down the lane,

Running down the streets,

I am crawling on my knees,

Tears flowing.

How I wish,

Everything could be more different.

I wish for change,

I wish for hope,

I wish it all for our future.

A crushing feeling in my heart.

A voice small and sound.

It rings out loud.

In the vacuum of my heart!

How I wish.

How I wish that everything could be different.

How I wish there exist a utopia.

Where everything is right.

How I wish.

Episode 57: November Ends

2010-11-25T20:57:00.000+08:00

More and more time has passed and I am getting ready to say goodbye to this place.

Moving around from place to place and chronicling the places I have been.

Meanwhile...

Communication is a pain in the ass.

In the past, I had not much friends. Not many people to keep in contact with. Not many responsibilities held in the past.

So technically I kept to myself because not much talking is needed.

Now, when I am in a web where now I am constantly connected with most people.

People demanded to know where I was, but doesn't care when people tell them ahead of time.

People called but didn't bother to call some more to relay urgency to the other party which in the end cause trouble when important stuff needs to be passed down.

I also wonder if there is something wrong at my end.

I expect people to return my calls/messages when I send them.

But it could be the cause of the internet, make it easier for us to connect, but also hard for us to talk to each other.

Technology advances quite a lot so it should serve no reason for the masses not to connect.

Personally, it irritates me a lot when people for no apparent reason decides that people are there just because they exist for their own sake.

Egocentric.

I dislike people like that.

People does not exist to be tools of others, but we do help each other out. I hope people can understand that.

We live with each other side by side, not higher than or lower than the people around.

Enough musing for today.

Ciao.

My body clock needs to undergo some severe repairs.

Episode 56: Temporal Satisfaction

2010-11-18T21:53:00.002+08:00

Many a times people asked me why I play games a lot.

I normally reply that well, I like gaming because of the music, the interesting art style and acclaimed mechanics.

Even my music is videogame related. That is how attached to video games I am.

For these past few months and in the relation of how I play games, I was able to observe how I game through by friends and myself.

In normal gaming terms, I am a completist.

Most of the challenges the games throw at me, I will try my best to clear it.

In games, to get the full brunt of the game, I will play the hardest setting at the get go.

Many a times, people will comment that I am crazy. Why play the games so much?

With the implementation of the trophy system in PS3 and the pioneer achievement system in the XBOX360, I can illustrate the drive within me easier.

Getting virtual trophies and achievements gives me a sense of satisfaction, in a sense, its like you are being rewarded for completing certain task.

It doesn't matter whether it is in real life or in the virtual world, people loved to be praised and this is how sometimes no matter how hard the game is. Upon completion, you will get the sense of satisfaction, be it towards the game or a pat on your back for a job done.

Well, I think games also build up one's character, in a weird way.

For example.

I was playing Bayonetta and I encountered an event that somehow has waves of enemies I could not beat.

You start out with only 4 capacity to get hit and need to do some crazy in-game thing to be able to hurt the enemies.

I was getting irritated, but eventually I got the hang of it and defeated the first wave. Initially, I thought it was the end and my heart sank as the second wave came. It was exponentially harder than the first wave. With a lot of time spent, about 2 hours, I managed to conquer the second wave, but no....

The developers included a THIRD wave of new enemies to joke with me.

By that time, I was literally almost tearing up...

After a long period of time, I cleared it up.

A sigh of relief came from me, why subject myself to this torture?

Why make me go through this pain?

I think.

It is the temporal satisfaction that I was able to beat this challenge thrown to me and it shows and demonstrates that I have the capacity to handle more.

As a bonus, I list down the games that have given me cold sweat these past few months.

God of War Series ™ Ultimate Difficulty setting plus the Challenges.

Star Ocean: The Last Hope.

Final Fantasy 1-6

Mirror's Edge

Demons' Souls

The thing about most of the games listed above, it requires a lot of skill plus a healthy dose of luck.

In Mirror's Edge, to beat the Speed Run timing, I hope the game does not glitch on me, which it does multiple times. And somehow still made me feel bad for losing. A supposed 8 minute run took me 4 hours. While on YouTube, people apparently made it to 4 minutes flat without ever seeming to break a sweat.

Square Enix sometimes have the sadistic sense of humor, the difficulty between the dungeons, the small fries and the boss is light years apart. I can't possibly fathom what the developers are actually thinking when they create such games that less than 50% would even ever complete the main storyline due to the insane difficulty.

But all in all, I managed to clear most of the games and wow.

I can see I was a relatively tenacious person to begin with, to be able to hang in there. Although with occasional negative outburst, I still ride through the storm. Being patient while sitting down there for a couple of hours.

I was hoping that eventually when I stopped playing games, which I forsee in a few months' time to come. My skills will be transferred over to my studies.

I kept my tenacity, my perseverance.

My drive to carry on in face of trouble.

Games actually taught me a lot.

Mistakes can cost you a life in game, but who says that there is no retry?

Pick up yourself and try again. You can achieve better results if we avoid the mistakes that lands us there in the first place.

It is the same as gathering 'experience' in games. In real life, we gain experience to better ourselves through hardships.

In games, killing minor creeps give you lesser experience points while bosses ad verdantly gives you more, in application to reality, the larger obstacle you surmounted, the easier your life will be because the skills you picked up to clear the obstacle.

Be it psychologically or physically, I can say that I surmounted most of my obstacles thrown at me.

True, bad memories still flash through my mind. Reminding myself how I get into the predicament, what I should have done, how I should have done better etc etc.

But I had gained something positive in the end and I can't undo what I have done so I stood by my choices.

Even if it does not rid me of my mental demons, I gained powerful angels to help me to surmount any obstacles.

Anyways,

Time to sleep.

Blow out all the bad dreams and nightmares.

Ciao.

Episode 55: Comparison

2010-11-09T12:47:00.002+08:00

It seems that being compared to other people is very common thing to do.

Either we do the comparing.

Or other people do the comparing for us.

As much I hate to admit it, comparing is a integral part in human nature.

In addition, it also came bundled with many many other traits that comes along with the comparing.

Why people compare with each other in the first place? In nature, people love to be domineering and of course strive to succeed.

They take landmarks from each other and try to surpass each other in an never ending race.

This is rampant in most societies, most systems and evident in various phases in our lives.

Lets start by going to the basic example and later elaborating on why I list down these examples.

School Life:

Students are being tested continuously with test/exams. Exams or test are there to make sure adequate improvement is being instilled inside individuals itself. It ensures that we matures in education at an appropriate rate.

For most of us, passing is not a problem.

It is how well we pass that we worry about.

In my case, in Primary School, its not the amount of distinction I get. It is the number of 100 marks I achieved.

Although my parents weren't as spartan as they are now, last time was a different story.

Every single mistake was scrutinized and I was subjected to severe memory training. Doing countless assessment books to assess myself.

Caning is even conducted for dismal results.

Parents want their children to be the best and even the studies they have to succeed like crazy, one mark less than a 100 is considered not optimal.

So we kids there played the comparing games, compare to see who gets the most 100 marks in the tests we do.

While parents encourage on:

"How much you get for Math for test today?"

"95"

"How come? Careless mistake? You get No.1 in class?"

"No, ____ get 96. I got second."

"See la! Never study hard enough. People win you already..."

Most of the time, I felt quite guilty. Parents were the only source I could look up to that time and somehow... They was always right. That is what I believed. If I had worked just a bit harder. Rechecked my answers more, stay sharper by reading the next grade's material. I will be pleasing my parents and in turn be more beneficial for me.

Over time, feelings of resentment could have arise in me towards who achieved much more than what I did...

I may have been the 'green-eyed monster'. Jealous of people doing better than me.

In my Primary school days, my friends were just competitors in class for better scores. We compete with each other for higher grades and thats all we do. After school interaction were basically nil. Even if we met outside of school gates... We talk about studies.... (my... this is awkward thinking about it now.)

In short, I was never happy in school due to the comparative and competitive nature that I was exposed to and implemented by myself.

Army:

A hierarchal system.

Everything you do is based on rank.

The lower you are for example REC : Recruit.

Are subjected to become cannon fodder or worse, the legendary 'voluntary community service' that are actually mandatory. In Singaporean terms. "Sai Kang".

How they long for higher positions like SGT: Sergeants

Compared to recruits, sergeants lead considerably better lives.

And here is the thing. People would certainly hold higher ranking than others and surely want that position for themselves.

I have been thinking up this post because of Alan.

Felt so inferior because of someone actually were fitter than him even though he worked damn hard to stay fit.

Exercise harder than most people, have different dieting options.

These are some things he did to stay hale and hearty.

In come someone who appears to lie down all day and during the Physical Training activity, the guy somehow effortlessly beat him in physical strength hands down.

Compared with someone who just came out of nowhere and with no apparent prior regular training. Alan worked hard daily and of course may felt peeved.

People sometimes have potential and some need to train to harness the potential within themselves. Whereas, some people just have natural talent. A potential that was realized without effort.

People will generally feel quite upset when they start comparing.

In a vicious cycle, people that compare with people 'weaker' than them and get a feeling of euphoria.

I personally do not like comparing and of course. If initiated comparison, all I can see is suffering and sadness.

If the only person I would like to compare, is that I would compare with myself.

Comparing with me in the past would serve as a reminder of how I have grown and strive to grow more. It is a vision to see how I had matured over time.

Therefore, my goal for next year and the years to come is.

"Surpass thyself"

Ciao.

Touched by An Angel

2010-11-04T21:59:00.004+08:00

This is a special post, and not numbered due to the special feelings inside it.

I typed down here my feeling of thanks.

Thank you all my friends and all my companions over this journey I have undertake during these few years I had in Singapore.

As you know, I am leaving Singapore for foreign lands.

Australia to be exact.

I thank you guys for staying by my side during when I am down,

celebrate with me when I am in joy.

Walking hand in hand with me through these years,

I am grateful to get your support.

I will not name names here for fear of leaving you guys out.

But every single friend I made is precious to me.

Here is something for you.

Although it is not composed by me, as I think I should, I think this song is fitting for this upcoming occasion.

For my juniors, who looked up to me and treat me as a friend. Not some scary senior.

To my dearest friends. Who I am going to leave behind in March.

Here goes,

Its a song from K-ON!! an anime, the premise of this song is a song dedicated to the member they going to leave behind when they graduate. Tearjerking song when I listened to it for the first time.

Thank you and goodbye.

Hey, if we could put our names

On a piece of our memories and preserve it

Wouldn't that be the perfect "treasure"?

Right, These excitement-colored days

That have passed have filled our hearts

To their full capacity

The familiar uniforms and indoor shoes

The doodles on our whiteboard

I guess we have to leave them behind

At the entrance to tomorrow

But hey, we met one! A wonderful angel

Graduation isn't the end

We're buddies from here on out!

Pictures of us together

Our matching keychains

Will shine on forever

And always, we thank you for your smile

Hey, the cherry trees

Seem like they've grown a bit too

Though its too slow for you see

I'm sure, the sky above us saw it all

All the times we tripped

But also all the times we walked on till the end

The wings of the notes we played

Overflowing gently into the hallway

Until it piles up to be cuddly

It'd be fine if it stays the way it is now

But hey, we were touched! By a lovely angel

This place will never change

You could almost say, "I'm home!"

Our email inboxes

Circled dates on our calendars

We were able to encounter an extraordinary dream

So we say thank you to music

The platform at the station, the path by the riverside

Even if we're apart, we can look up at the same sky

And sing in unison!

But hey, we met one! A wonderful angel

Graduation isn't the end

We're buddies from here on out!

If you say you really love us

We'll answer that we really, really love you!

There's nothing else we've forgotten

We'll be together forever and ever!

Episode 56: Quirks and Oddities

2010-11-01T00:55:00.000+08:00

I am Daniel Goh Tzehou.

Dunno what is unique about me. Hmm, there are a few notable features that I exhibit over the years. Maybe it is just special only for me, but here to pass time.. I want to list down what makes me me...

1. Avid Gamer

Normally, I try not to be associated much to be a video gamer. And it is quite obvious I failed down here. The weblog just basically screams: "Hey! I am from THE WORLD ENDS WITH YOU ™".

Ever since when I was young, I was entranced by the spell of video games. What draws me in is either the music, mechanics or the art direction.

I proclaimed myself not to be into much gaming but to game because I loved it. But evidence suggests otherwise...

2. Can't seem to pee properly in Public Toilet.

It is a bit chilling for me to pass urine in the toilet due to the fact I can't stand pressure of people.. Especially when after a movie where I rushed to the toilet and about to pee.............

Why is there a queue behind me?! Oh my god! Shoot... Why are they standing behind me....

My pee refuses to come out!!! It's urgent! Ah... Let you pee first....

In the end, I need to be in a relatively empty toilet or isolated cubicle to pee. Worse comes to worse, I just spaced out and pretend myself that I was in a empty world.

Which is damn hard.

3. Ungodly Clumsy and Forgetful

I always have the tendency to fall around here and there.

And my forgetfulness almost cost me my head.

Forgetting to lock the door, forgetting to submit a paperwork on time.

But thank god there is something called a personal organizer or else I am doomed.

Or thanks to my friends to constantly remind. Me.

I won't list down all my short falls and quirks.

But what I want to portray that even though I have lots of holes inside my personality.

This is what makes me who I am.

Even though true enough I am getting the brunt of the blame by being who I am.

I got scolded for being too helpful.

Got reprimanded for helping out too much.

I am just neurotic.

I think I just take a time out...

But all in all, I am fine with what I was doing now.

I am trying to keep my emotions in check. So give me time to do it.

By the way...

It seems that I have been putting on a little bit of weight..

I think I better lose it before my lungs give out on me.

Although I do not look like it..

This past few weeks, my lungs are dying.

I mean really dying...

I can't breathe. Not figuratively, but really...

Gonna get this checked out soon.

Signing out.

Update.

2010-10-29T16:05:00.002+08:00

Sorry for neglecting this blog for almost a month.

We can safely assume that I was knocked out of action.

Busy month, the final hurrah before I exit the army life.

I was kind of surprised at this month.

A relatively short month which past by quickly.

Lots of event happened this month,

Some broke my heart.

Some lifted my spirits up high.

But all in all, I enjoyed this month.

A month of quirks and oddities.

A month of weird events and heartwrenching sessions.

The month is ending soon.

November is coming.

Another story arc in my life is ending.

Its time to curtain to reveal whats behind the next arc.

A sneak preview is at hand.

Anyways,

The ORD DVD is done.

Going to put it together now.

See ya!

Ciao.

October

2010-10-03T20:49:00.002+08:00

October.

A month where most of my friends had their birthday.

The 1st one happened today. Kevin Simon's birthday.

Following that will be lots and lots more...

Dorry's, Mine and Wang Sen's.

And lots more...

My Siblings..

Anyways, October is going to be the final hurrah for my life in National Service. Other than that , I am preparing for my stint overseas.

This week, I am going to sign up for my hostel services.

Thinking back, it is going to be a short time I will be staying here.

The impressive amount of friends and acquaintances I amassed here is going to be left behind here while I move on.

I wonder what they will think about me, what things I have left behind?

My memories, and imprints I gave them.

I hope.

I hope that...

I hope that I am able to change them...

Change them and influence them for the better.

A positive turning point that I left behind.

Ciao.

Filler 36

2010-09-28T15:16:00.003+08:00

I think amongst my friends. I am here regularly to update my blog.

Well, it takes a lot of commitment to even post here where it is getting obscure.

Lots of English words: Check

Need Lots of Time: Check

Inspiration needed: Check

Distraction? : Check

So far, writing these above lines takes me 45 minutes and it is worrying since average essays takes about 1 hour to write. And these above lines takes more than half the time and the average words that I should reach is about 500 plus by now. And where was I?

Still stuck here procrastinating... Stuck here at home stoning with no apparent goals.

I am just grasping thin air for contents...

Hmm..

I guess I come back here when there are more notable events to talk about.

Ciao.

Episode 55: Blank Points

2010-09-18T00:07:00.003+08:00

Deep in thought I appear to be.

But all I was doing, is that I was spacing out.

It has become one of the more dangerous things that I do.

Memories have been streaming out of my head and it is getting from bad to worse.

I have been forgetting more and more stuff recently.

My thoughts are just dis-conjoined with each other. It as if someone took apart my chain of thoughts and reconnect them in a weird manner.

Maybe I was just tired to see everything...

Yeah.

Maybe.

My enthusiasm has been lost, the world lost it's color. The reprieve I had is the music that dominating my ears. The games that I play seems like more monotonous and surprises do not surprises me as much as usual, even though the mechanics are more intricate and interesting, everything seems so mechanical to me.

Oh well, I wonder what the future will hold for me...

I feel that the tempo is picking up around me as the pressure around me increases...

The need to finish up the movie and the songs that I was putting my imagination into..

I don't know, but was I giving myself excuses to delay and delay and further delay my progresses.

So far, I have been in the ditch waiting. I guess it is time to stop waiting and start doing.

Where can I muster out my strength to do things that I was suppose to do? Mountain of stuff await me and I need to chip off them one by one.

It is frustrating yes. But I guess the incentive is the sense of accomplishment that comes along with it when the job is done.

Well, to put it simply, I want to see smiles. No matter how hard the thing is, I just want to see people smile.

It's tough to be helpless, especially when I see people struggling and I cannot do anything about it.

I do not understand why, since it takes two hands to clap. Stop trying to keep to yourself. Look into your heart, and you see that friends and companions are important.

Let me help.

------------------------------------------

The title above represents the ending of the game Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep.

It is the title of the secret movie.

The pieces lie where they fall,

where they wait for him,

Reconnect. Put everything back where they belong.

I want to go back.

Back to where things are still fine.

Maybe it is an impossibility now.

Since I am as good as being excommunicated by my father.

Judging what we did to each other, I am as good as getting disowned.

Anyways.

I hope the next few weeks are nicer to me.

Ciao.

Episode 54: Disappointment

2010-09-09T18:06:00.003+08:00

How disappointed am I with myself.

This week started out with me being basically a monster in itself.

No normal children would ever ever dream of scolding their own parent.

Even when they could not see eye to eye, they would never resort to dramatic fights to settle their differences.

Sadly,

I am no normal child.

Of all the things I described above, I did the unimaginable.

The event unfolds like this.

It was just on 5th of September.

Starting was already quite uneventful, before that, had a fiasco with the telecommunication system. A scheduled meeting was thrown awry by a sent message that apparently failed to reach it's desired destination. In the end, after attending Church Service at 11.30a.m. I met up with Sheng Hong for COMEX2010.

Returned back home at 8p.m, tired to the bone.. I looked forward to taking a shower and retreat into my room to have a last minute access to my laptop or my gaming systems before I booked into the camp.

Apparently, my desktop computer died again. I am not surprised due to the age of the computer and the myriad of problems it kept coughing up for the past 3 months. It made me relocate my base music system to the MacBook I am using now.

So my dad was apparently quite unhappy about this. For me I was clueless that the computer has died because most of the time I was outside and the times that I switch on the desktop was only to help my dad scan the desktop for virus, which in his paranoia, thinks that our computers are a breeding place for all internet viruses.

So imagine my surprise when I stepped into the living room clad in just a towel when I heard that I was required to dismantle my PS3.

I was confused as I do not see why or how the need for me to disconnect the PS3 from my room. PS3 and the computer are both separate system independent of one another.

The only thing that connects it is the LCD monitor.

Attempts to reason with a raging bull is futile at best.

No matter how hard I try or how calm I become, somehow, I was the main focus of the destruction of the computer due to me using too much of the computer monitor.

People with adequate cranial function can or reason properly, but no. I have been graced with a father who was always right even when he is wrong.

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle can become certain, and cars can phase through buildings. Therefore it was my fault that the computer met it's demise.

Of course I was appalled by the turn of events and yes, quite mad too.

Cannot use computer screen? Its ok! I can live without it! I will get a new TV screen.

Before even started dinner, I was telling my mom about what I saw at COMEX and express interest in buying a Microsoft Office for my MacBook for university, my father just lost it.

I wasn't going to take it lying down.

It was the final straw.

I shouted back at him.

Unleashed a torrent of F-bombs at him.

Have you even shouted "Fuck You!" to your father?

Naturally my father registered a split second of shock on his face before he tried to rush me. My mom face was full of horror at the unfolding events.

I don't know, but deep inside, sadism was rising up. Disappointment that I endured for that evening and the insults that my dad have given me over the years, I just blew it up and direct it all at him.

I was actually giving a sinister sneer at my father's inability to comprehend situations. He threatened me not to go overseas, I snickered back that since he is unemployed for FIVE years his money is running out anyways. Keeping me here to do absolutely nothing is his loss.

He roared back and tried to beat me up, I reminded him that I was in the army and he was not.

So he just went past me into the kitchen and grabbed a meat cleaver, wanted to chop me up when all fails.

Just because of this stupid thing.

I am a human too and am entitled to my opinions. If he is unwilling to listen, who else to trust?

Home is not a safe place to be anymore.

Mom, ever the quick thinking one, ushered me out of the house and followed me downstairs.

My heart has been stripped bare already. I just wanted to not to do anything there and then, just be a comatose state, a vegetable.

I was really clueless on what to do and the unfolding of the situation.

My father got his frank and just desserts from what I just said, but whether he digest it, it is up to him and when he falls because of his own stubbornness. I will not lift a finger to help.

To be honest, I was quite upset over this matter and up to now, playback of what I did kept ringing in my memories.

I guess.

Life is really unpredictable huh?

All I do is to move forward and clear the obstacles given to me.

I gotta go.

Ciao.

Teacher's Day Celebration 2010

2010-08-31T20:48:00.005+08:00

I went back to my Secondary School for this year as this is where my future is generally molded.

Decisions are mostly influenced by my teachers there.

This is my school hall, compared to my primary school in Singapore, it is quite small. But it is quite nice compared to last time when it was bleak. Now it is quite bright and well decorated.

Much has changed during these past years.

Even the new teachers came in, they were quite multi-talented. Rocking out in front of the crowd.

My first form teacher in Secondary School.

Looked the same as before, except I was way shorter than her that time.

My Math teacher for 4 years.

She is quite sarcastic and a bit fierce sometimes. But she is really a person to push us for the better.

"Daniel, one thing that never change about you is that sometimes you speak weird stuff!" She joked after I teased her. Haha. After I graduated, she got married.

Still retained her teacher's instincts.

My Physics teacher.

My Literature and English Language teacher.

Fun to be around her.

Ciao!!!

Filler 35

2010-08-30T20:40:00.002+08:00

Well, its frustrating to have nothing to talk about.

Even when people called me to talk about their problems, I am at a loss of what to say...

Is it my personality at home or at outside where I genuinely have lack of emotions?

What actually caused this?

Truthfully, I am lazy to look for the cause of my lack of feelings. But it also quite a little weird that my feelings will manifest in situations that deem inappropriate, for example, getting angry in situations where I should remain calm. And for being oblivious to outside events.

Nowadays, people really called me a klutz for not catching on fast enough. Well, it is just me.

What else could I be?

For now, I want to stay convicted to my own beliefs.

Listening to others complaining to me that I am no good and ineffective has proven myself to be detrimental. Considering that I am trying very hard on my account to help others, just not in the most visible ways possible.

Countless times I have been typing these just to remind myself to stay positive. I don't know, its just that in the subconscious level. I think that everybody is against me... I just feel like eyes burning onto my head, accusing me of being incapable.

Especially in camp, I just feel a sense of dread even while sleeping sometimes. Worrying just got the best of me. I just feel the reluctance to sweat it out or even moving sometimes because I scared I will portray myself in a wrong way. Making simple decisions is head wrenching for me too, I will work myself overdrive thinking if this will affect this in the future.

Just simple task I will reject or push to others to do because I was fearful of taking responsibility.

I actually have to stop myself from avoiding responsibility sometimes because of my innate fear of failure. I am just too scared to fail. Even though I learnt the hard way that, Failure is the mother of all success. Its just that I have never seen much success to begin with that is why I am fearful.

I think it all ties down to how I handle myself. If I do not get my act together, no matter how much good work I have done. It will get undone in a second. I have been designated a leader and I need to work harder for these to get it done.

I gotta go now.

Ciao.

Oh. I almost forgot.

I got a new camera!

A DSLR.

Nikon D90.

Filler 34

2010-08-21T22:45:00.003+08:00

Material goods.

It isn't what i am looking for in life.

It isn't what I need.

But it is one that is good to have, but what I can say is that I can live without it.

Even though there is no such need of these items in my life, I am sure I would be happy to have these in my possession. Albeit not to the extent I would use it until I would spoil it. But I am guessing these things would be temporary.

Many of these things I would like to have needs either a miracle to have or substantial amounts of cash to procure.

Even though I had a camera, the camera I currently have is really really horrible.

What I do with a camera is to take pictures for memories. The good thing about this camera is that it took picture with a widescreen format.

Bad thing is that it does not filter out shaky hand motions and shutter speeds is ridiculously unpredictable.

If I were to get another camera. I think I would like to go for a higher end camera versions.

DSLR?

I think I am going to get a Sony Alpha.

It cost about S$1399 to S$2999. We shall see about the cost once I get back to Sony Shop and see the workability and functional aspects of the Camera.

The next item in line will be a Yamaha Clavinova Piano. Its basically an electronic grand piano with weighted touch.

Dunno what happened with my piano, but there is an ghastly scar on the front of the piano board. Someone must have moved the piano while I was in camp... Or just plain knocked into the piano. I had also have lack of practice on the piano, and therefore my skills has truthfully gone down the drain.

But however, maybe after I managed my 24 hours better, I could spend some quality time with my piano. Like I said, I need to manage my time better. In a day, there could be a thousand and one things to do and even if I did not finish my task well. There stood a few chances that I will even touch the piano even now.

What I need that piano for was to explore new options. Composing will be entirely be easier as what I play will be recorded instantly, riddling the need of manuscript paper.

However that will sometimes be overshadowed by the need of education and the movement in life.

Where can I find the drive to learn music where the music has gone?

When can I pick up my music sheets again?

Okie I gotta go.

Ciao!

Episode 53: Fire

2010-08-12T00:12:00.004+08:00

August is here.

Its amazing that I am living my life here bit by bit. Trying my best to hold my whole being together as a whole.

Looking back at the past posts. I have been regularly chronicling my life up since 2006 in this blog and due to the innovative minds and the improvement of the recent technologies, in came Facebook and Twitter, an alternative way to showcase what I have been doing in the recent times.

Not that I am complaining a lot but I am really tired from all the events that happened recently.

Yesterday marks the 4 month period left in my National Service life. Sometimes I wonder what I really went through during the service to the country. Giving a personal best for a foreign country is really a strange feeling come to think of it.

For me, instead of fighting for the identity of being a Singaporean. I am fighting for other agendas, fighting for my friends, family and the times we could spend together. In a stricter sense, not fighting but building up deterrence.

Even though National Service is giving me a chance to become a Singaporean, I think for now I would not take the chance to do it. Even though it is a gift to become Singaporean, I trust in everyone if that is the case of being a Singaporean is to fight for the country, I will not do it. I have been hurt many times in Singapore emotionally and faced many disappointing events in Singapore as well. Maybe because of the trauma, but I do not want to be rooted in the spot and give myself an identity yet.

-------------------------------------

Finding a conversation starter is getting harder and harder for me, maybe I am just losing steam?

I have nothing to say or discuss with my family and friends either, I am quite afraid most of the relationship is a ' hi - bye ' basis.

Never had I hang out with my friends in the 'coolest' places before. Not that I yearn to do it, I didn't find the spark that makes me interested.

Getting more and more tired, is that a trend that is observed in me? My movements have been slower and shabbier lately and I was quite scared I will just stand still due to the amount of tiredness I endure.

----------------------------------------

Went out with Leong Chun Kiat tonight,

He was my Basic Military Training bunk mate, quite a cool guy. Arrived a few days after us in National Service, it's a blast to be with him.

He came with us to Basic Medical Course and eventually we parted ways afterwards.

Lucky him, he was posted to Medical Center ( and also gets to ride on helicopters too!!!) and life for him was okay (according to him).

Not that I was jealous but I kind of wish I had that kind of life haha.

But the damage was already done since I wrote on the wrong piece of paper.

Person wise, he was still as jovial as usual and didn't change much, although he looked like he put on a few pounds in the process.

We went to see the Last Combined Rehearsal for the Youth Opening Games.

Overall, it was spiffy. But however, as it was a rehearsal, sometimes it was hilarious to see the stand in people for certain people such as the president etc etc.

Amazing all in all ,but there seems to be lack of explosive fireworks which we were quite looking forward to.

I hope I can meet up with him again and chill out, maybe before or after his attachment overseas.

-------------------------------

I think that being helpful is a virtue, being too helpful on the other hand.. Is there such thing as being too helpful?

I do not know whether it is a boon for me to always lend a helping hand but, I cannot simply turn down a request for help and even if they didn't ask for help, I will mobilize myself. Even if it turns me into a nasty monster when I am tired. I still help out.

But sometimes, I just felt that I did not do much and enough. Even when my friends are in a pickle. Even if I know I tried my best, or I put every ounce of my strength into a task. There is a lingering sentiment left behind that gives me a guilty feeling whenever I failed at an assignment. Even though I didn't fail at the assignment or have a part to play, I will still feel unnecessary sadness.

I am just confused on how to proceed. But I guess I will just steel myself for this week.

Ciao, and whoever reading this. Have a pleasant week ahead too.

Episode 52: Fate of the Unknown

2010-07-31T14:42:00.001+08:00

This month is ending.

A look back really is deemed embarrassing to my ego. But screw the ego.

Truthfully I am quite confused.

Really confused.

In the way, I am quite indecisive. I am trying to be somebody I cannot be.

I am still no better than I was a few months ago.

I do not know much and I am still behaving like such.

Earlier this month, I sustained a awesome injury that stems from the fall that I had.

The worst thing is that I fell down in front of my friends. Imagine the look of horror and astonishment in where I was standing tall a second ago and the next second sprawled on the floor.

The aftermath is even worse, initially my whole body system is in shock and experienced delayed pain. I was able to walk away trying to conceal my shame, but eventually, my wounds are bleeding quite badly and I needed to seek treatment. Not the worse thing that happened. But the bruises and wounds that I incurred during fall will incapacitate me for the 2 following weeks.

After that, whilst recovering, I do not know how or why. But I got myself ill again. Got cough and cold.

All in all, I kept getting struck by weird accidents and incidents.

Its quite depressing actually. I do not know who to turn to except to confide in my close friends and my bunk mate.

Lets just say I am just a bad luck magnet. I wouldn't be able to finish what I started, every single project that I was tasked to. Every single inspiration I had, always get sucked out by people who would like to take credit. People who are power hungry.

I am already sick and now, I truthfully said this.

I am sick of the world, of it's canis canim edit mentality.

I am already trying my best and somehow people do not feel or view it, I have nothing to prove anyone and you guys can gloat about your superiority to me any day.

But it boils down to this...

I am glad to be who I am.

Now it is my turn to rest.

I am so tired.

So tired.

Tired.

tired.

Another test is coming soon for me. That is the IPPT, I will sincerely try my best in this test but no confirmation that I will pass. I think passing will take the grace and mercy of God.

On to the positive side, the music side has been very generous to me.

In two consecutive weeks, music has been released for my ears to listen.

Piano Collection Final Fantasy XIII

Super Mario Galaxy 2 Original Soundtrack

Such is life to give an antidote to the poison I have been fed with.

Truly I am grateful to these people who composes the music and I hope that I soon will be able to join the ranks of these people soon.

Ciao.

Filler 33

2010-07-13T19:58:00.003+08:00

I do not know what I have done.

Currently I am at home trying to recuperate from the nasty fall I had yesterday.

What was I thinking while I glide down from the slope/stairs?

That I will never know.

Being in pain is the most nasty feeling I ever had.

Ciao

Filler 32

2010-07-06T01:07:00.002+08:00

I think for now I just update on what the things I want to get as soon as possible.

1. A New Pair of Earphones. Hi-fidelity,clarity and of course, once that will last long.

2. A new slingbag. I guess I will head down to crumpler shop soon.

3. Piano.

4. Portable Speakers.

5. Stationery. I need to rebuild my collection of pen and pencils.

Episode 51: Back to the Countryside

2010-06-27T17:11:00.018+08:00

I am quite surprised that most of my photo collection doesn't contain my an image of my face.

Maybe it is that I am quite camera shy... : (

Or maybe it's that I am just a cameraman... But I would love it if I was caught on film/digital having lots of fun.

So here is the uncut version of what happened during the trip to Sibu, Malaysia a few weeks ago.

I kept a notebook to keep a track of what happened during the trip there, but luck strikes. I forgot to bring a pen. And furthermore, the pen that was loaned to me ran out of ink while I was writing in the middle of the night. And the nauseating rubbery smell it emits really put me off while I was writing. So after the 3rd day I stopped writing my journal and was hoping by the time I reached the safe confines of my blog, I can remember what I was doing at that time.

So here it is. The trip itself..

7th June 2010

The Worst Dress Sense

As I was about to leave my house, I was wondering what attire I should wear to Malaysia. Every single time I was going out in Singapore. Inculcated into me says that I should at least wear informal wear.

T-shirt, Jeans and Shoes.

Heck, Alan says that attire is considered ugly when viewed by other people.

Only Singaporeans (I think) would wear this kind of attire that 'look like cock'.

Frankly, this was the second best attire I had.

The best attire I ever had was my prom shirt and pants, I wouldn't want to be seen in that as that would be a statement of overkill if I went in that, that, that costume.

So in the end I wore.

T-shirt, Jeans and slippers.

So much for originality....

Woke up at 11am today and glanced at the phone.

I saw about 6 messages from Chiang Cheng-Hsien in his futility in waking me up. All of the messages were bunched at around 6a.m-ish. Therefore I guess I am just too heavy of a sleeper.

I left Singapore at around 1p.m and reached Senai Airport in Johor Bahru at around 2.30p.m.

The flight was scheduled at 5.50p.m and that was too early...

So we ended up at the Lavender Bistro to have hi-tea (as the prim and proper English might say).

Chicken rice!

My little brother trying to eat an egg sandwich.

Me trying out my old camera. Apparently, the further the range of the camera. The clarity increases. Time to get a new camera. As every single close up shot is very blurry.

Finally! A shot of myself.

My, what a long wait that was. The magazine kiosk that was present in the airport sold magazines that was dated last month.

I went ahead and check out 'The Body Shop' in the meantime as there was a sale.

My spoils.

As I entered the departure hall, it does not disappoint me as compared to the outside. It was in spick and span condition. Mom went to buy a bottle of vodka in the duty free shop as usual.

Suicide Baby

"... the flight will take 1 hour errr... 1 hour 30mins" the flight attendant chirped at the front. Wow. That was the most confident flight attendant I ever heard. Not to complain but somehow she kept forgetting certain stuff like who was the co-pilot.

The initial first hour of flight was not very smooth as we kept being hit by turbulence.

But the last 30 mins or so was not as peaceful as the first hour.

Flying on airplanes are not as what movies portrays. People sleeping peacefully.

Rather, in real life.

Loud sirens are blaring on my left side.

I never knew sirens are inbuilt into human babies.

Just as I thought the baby would not cry louder. It volume increase a lot more. Even with my headphones plugged into my ears, it still would not block the sound.

Its like every 15 seconds the crying gets progressively louder and louder until touchdown.

The weirdest thing is that upon touchdown only will the screaming stopped.

End of the 1st day.

I stayed at my cousin's house in Sibu for that night.

Touched down at Sibu airport at 7.30p.m and reached her house at 8p.m.

Had a light dinner which consisted of homemade siew mai and dumplings. Made by my aunt.

The house has a nice exterior but the interior lack furnishings.

No mirror on the sink! : (

Sleeping early tonight.

Tomorrow comes!

8th June 2010

Relaxing Morning

The atmosphere in Malaysia is way different than that of Singapore's.

Instilled into the hearts of most people living in Singapore is that you have to do something in order to progress in the society.

Everyday, time table is jam-packed.

This even applies more to my army life. The schedule in army is so packed that even if some events or programme is cancelled. I would find myself in a state of tiredness that even I could not even find time to run or exercise.

Work in progress.

In Malaysia, it's pretty laid-back. It was so laid-back I was wishing that something exciting will pop up out of a sudden.

There, there are no internet connections or something like that.

The amount of cars on the road is like a frequency of 4 cars appearing a minute.

Shockingly laid back indeed.

District of Fruits

Its only the second day and I was tired from the hustle and bustle.

I fell asleep at 12p.m and woke up at 1p.m to head to some rural places with my uncle.

To get to those places, we need to get on board a ferry.

Yes. That ferry.

Before we enter the ferry.

Its quite shaky over at this side.

From here onwards, the ink ran out from the horrid pen. So I left the book as it is.

Now to type out the rest of the blog, I have to depend on my leaky memory to tell the tale.

Arrived at Bintangor at 2.30p.m,

Weirdest thing is that, all the small districts have some theme to it.

Like above, the symbol of Bintangor is an unripe Orange.

And Sibu is the one of swans.

This is the central of Bintangor. Most of centrals were situated near river due to them being the major transportation route during the Malaysia's Industrial revolution. As can be seen above, air-con was a very prized commodity and air-conditioned environments are quite a blessing indeed.

Went to have a slight tea break. Ate some noodles and drank Horlicks.

The Horlicks is surprisingly sweet and tasty and the noodles are nicer than I thought it would be.

Things in Malaysia are cheap and tasty compared to Singaporean food. Maybe it is the way they cooked it or they are just generous with the ingredients.

Next stop, it's Sarikei.

Sarikei is the District of the Pineapples and as the trend goes. The central is also quite close to the river as evident from the background.

Sarikei is basically more advanced in development than Bintangor. It has more diverse transportation options than Sarikei itself.

Wider district areas and more traffic can be seen. Here is the major shopping central. Kind of like Orchard Road in Singapore, just that what they sold over there is like 'Mama Shops' Everything sold over there are just basic necessities that are just essential to their lives, no extra things.

Bought some herbal tonic over here.

Yeap, now try doing stock-taking.

After that, we went to my uncle's farm on his very own plot of land. Our relatives generally either inherit the land from their ancestors or they bought their own land via some people introducing it to them.

On the way there, there are surprising number of fruit stalls on the road side. Like all placed within 20 meters from each other. Just on a plain stretch of road without any houses etc etc. The fruit stalls, some of them selling common fruits compete with each other for customers.

Oranges oranges oranges...

The next stall.

Eventually, reached the farm.

Not like classic 'Old McDonald Farm', it was much plainer and infested with mosquitoes.

View from a higher level.

Its like a forest in close up. Those tall trees are durian trees by the way and the short ones are either lemon or oranges.

Locking up the gate to the farm. Well. This rustic shack is where my uncle slept in the afternoon after he did some plowing in the farm.

Me! Ahaha!

Young at heart...

After this, we went back to my grandparent's house.

But before that, we have to wait for the ferry again.

Last time, it was clear water until the logging they did upstream.

It may not seem like it, but was a fast current here. The ferryman did an exceptional job in guiding the craft perpendicular to the current.

Don't fall in... Don't fall in...

It was late at night when we reach the house. It was unchanged ever since 15 years except for the new paint job and the new anti-flood barricade that was installed.

New additions to the family.

Well, these stray cats are actually a family. They came over begging for food ever since when their original masters moved houses. So they came from further down the road and now became regular visitors. Eventually they stayed there permanently.

They are quite smart! Or greedy.

I opened up a piece of bread and lo and behold. The whole family is rubbing themselves on my feet and looking up at the bread...

Aw....

9th June 2010

Mall Visit

Every time during my visit to Sibu, chances is that I will end up in that shopping mall.

Well, I was going to get a slingbag over there to replace the one that I had. The one that I had was ages old and boy.... It was covered with weird scars. Especially with one that was clawed by something....

Anyways. It was to no avail. As most of the shops were women 'designer boutique'.

Who will wear a Japanese gothic lolita outfit out in Malaysia anyways!?

Selling Pirated DVds in the open. Subsequent floors and the preceding ones contain much more too.

Rural Lifestyle

Afterwards we did not do much as we ended up at grandparents place at the afternoon.

I took the chance to take a walk.

The guard dog... He is quite fierce and old.

I hate him. Kept on barking. I think he also sense my hate. Because we mutually hate each other.

Chicken.

Live action farm action!

My cousin, Alan.

He was 5 years my junior and, he is riding a motorcycle. Take a particular note to the chinese lettering on his bike.

The lake behind the house.

End of the 3rd Day

At the end, we went for a dinner in a family ran restaurant. Quite quaint and chilly.

But all in all, not so memorable.

But nice food.

10th June 2010

Temporal Temple Visit

I love this place! Even it is damn hot over there. (hot but not humid.) It shows the chinese heritage in it's full glory.

All of the craftwork is here is made by hired Chinese craftsmen and it is really really nice!

Here is a section of a parapet. There are quite a number of sections here too and each tells a story. And this one tells the story of the "Journey to the West".

Amazing artwork huh?

This is a picture of the base of a stair. In close up.

Final Night

I just want to sit here and enjoy the twilight.

11th June 2010

Heading Home

We did practically nothing on the last day except to watch TV all day long and left for the airport at 2.pm.

Flight will start at 5.

And Boy, we queued from 2 till 4.

Look at the line!

Malaysia, Singapore. It is still the same.

People are fighting to get on the plane even though the plane will wait for them.

Take off and back to Singapore.

Missing the times already... Sigh.

Fin.

That is it for my Sibu blog post.

Took about 1 day in total to get this whole thing up and running.

Sigh... The English structure here is really deteriorating.

Ciao.

Episode 50: Lying Down

2010-06-19T19:56:00.004+08:00

I am currently in my bedroom. Just finishing chatting with friends and preparing for the day tomorrow.

So far, what happened these past few weeks is stupid I agree. Things that made me lose sight of my goals.

Lying down on my bed with the laptop on my lap.

I am looking at the Blogger Screen. Switching restlessly between Facebook and Messenger on Mac. And listening to a podcast.

Heck, this is the extent of my focus of blogging.

Even as I type, a wave of tiredness swept over me.

I think back to the time that has past.

Ironic is in the way that I think, for the past few months, that in every situation I am at in the worst possible place. Like, during JC period, I thought I never experience anything worse. Pressure from home and the desire to do well was overwhelming. Even surrounded by many people that fare better in me in results. I even ended up seeing the school psychologist.

In army, people are mostly fitter than me. Its not that I am lazy to move around or jump around. I had never show any remarkable improvements in my physical sides. My pull ups is still sucky as ever, my arm strength has never has the ability to improve. Even the people in my bunk in BMT, Chiang Cheng-Hsien, Leong Chun Kiat broke their limits and passed their IPPT. I am still stuck here regarded as being 'weak'.

Now, even though I am in some 'medical elite unit'. I don't even feel that I am one of them.

What I view myself is that I am just a below average guy who isn't very good at most things.

What useful skillset I have?

Character wise

People sometimes say that I have tenacity. What I believe in is that when I am psyched up. I can accomplish what I focus on. But sadly everytime, I am quite impatient and that results me in feeling that I failed.

I don't think my education level will get me anywhere in the world now judging by how knowledge based the civilisation becomes.

Me and piano? Screw that, I am still heavily dependant on music scores. Improvisation is out of the question for me. Composing I have planned but not done.

Sigh. Forget about what I typed above.

I do not wish to continue on.

This is what occupies my mind for the past few weeks and I do not wish to revisit it again.

Now. I am just lying down looking at the pitch black ceiling of my room.

Who am I?

What I am going to do in the future? In 10 years how am I faring?

What I wish is that I will be happier in times to come.

Regarding the piano issue. It will be great to have the CVP-505 but it will cost a bomb to ship it to Australia and back in 4 years time. So I guess if I got it. I will still leave it in Singapore.

Friends. I am grateful that I am surrounded with gracious friends. To help me in times of trouble. To give encouragement when I am sad. To be here with me when I am troubled.

Of course, sometimes I may be withdrawn. Sometimes I focus too much on games and my music that I neglect you guys.

I really miss every single one of you guys now even though I have only been at home for a day.

Wang Sen, Yeu keed , Jon Lam Zhen Qin, Alan, Dorry, Tommy, Jeff, Ruo Xuan, Wei Qiang, Cheng Hsien, Sheng hong, Shan Hui and many others..... I feel empty and lonely without talking and meeting you guys.

I sometimes wish I can just hang out. Even if it is doing nothing but lying down and looking at the endless star ocean above, it will just put my heart at peace that I am with you.

I cannot explain the feeling in detail... But when I find the words I will say and shout them out loud.

Anyways. It is getting late. Good night.

Ciao.

Watch out for the post I will be doing up on my trip to Sibu.

Oh. Dear Friends 3 post is on the way. Its been 2 years since the last post...

Filler 31

2010-06-06T20:41:00.002+08:00

Clavinova CVP-505 is the piano I am aiming to buy.

It costs about S$6000.

Getting it at the end of this year. Hopefully at the time of my birthday.

Nothing much to update here.

Just saying that I am kind of disappointed with myself and some aspects of my life.

I know I cannot blame anyone.

Sometimes. It is just frustrating that things that just doesn't go what it should be planned.

People also change over time... Just to let you know. I am really upset by the things that a certain friend did.

But what can I do?

I cannot make him change back to the way he once were...

All I can do is to look at my piano books and focus on my music as it was once were.

It seems so easy to block out the sad thoughts I had when I was playing music.

But it seems to affect my mood all the more...

What should I do then? I realize the longer I play the more horrid my playing becomes.

I hate this feeling

I really hate this.

I sometimes wish that I have never even be so ambitious.

Sometimes I just wish that everything will just go away.

Sometimes, maybe if I wasn't here. I will not experience this sadness and letdown that I am feeling now. I shouldn't involve myself in things too much.

Maybe I just seclude myself. Me and my piano. Occasional outings with friends and that is it.

No more.

Its over.

Enough of me trying to help.

I need help myself.

I am just too tired.

Episode 49: Sinister Sundown

2010-05-29T00:07:00.002+08:00

Went out with Yeu Keed, Wang Sen and Sheng Hong last night.

I went early and bought tickets for them 1st then I went to Kinokuniya to get my "Piano Collection Kingdom Hearts Field and Battle Original Sheet Music".

I was so elated to see it finally in my hands and true enough.

It met my expectations and it was as formidable to conquer as I thought it will somehow be.

Somehow, I think I will be able to complete a few of the select songs that caught my ear by November this year.

The movie does not disappoint.

I have been waiting for the movie since it was first announced in 2004. A year after the titular hit game.

But like all video game movies, the video game wins hands down. But not a bad effort considering it has all the twist and turns that is a hallmark of a HollyWood film.

A comment by Wang Sen left me thinking...

Why so competitive in playing video games?

I don't see it as competing...

What I see video game is that a way of people to showcase their artistic style and to tell a tale.

Take for example, the original Prince of Persia Sands of Time which was released in 2003.

A novel gripping tale with a unique art style that rivals today's graphics. The sounds and the direction are beautifully crafted. But, it was aimed at one audience only. The one that is gripping the controller. The one that is immersed in the tale, the story that the development team crafted out for us.

Its the input that generates the output that makes it exciting for us the players to see how the story will unfold.

The time where you spend gaming is equivalent to the exposure to how long you want the game to last. The story can span 3 to 4 days depending on the intensity of your session with the story. But ultimately, you feel the sense of accomplishment by completing the story.

For me, playing alone gives me the sense to enjoy the game to the fullest and not bother with the time sense of the world.

Playing multiplayer is a bit obscene to me, people are of another level than me.

Playing 1st person shooter will mostly net me zero kills per session.

Fighting Games people would taunt me to attack me...

No sense of concentration at all.

Competition of doing this and that is yes I agree a less novel sense and wastage of my time. But I do this is not because I live for it. But I do it because for the fun of it, wouldn't it fulfill a sense of accomplishment because you found all the hidden things the developer put within the game itself.

Take a look at another way, I play games because of the music and the story that they tell.

The trophies and achievements they placed inside is secondary, but it is nice to have, not a need.

Since I going over the pond to Australia soon, I do not need to justify that I play a lot.

I am not trying to cram as much time gaming as I could before I leave Singapore. But yes, video games hold a endearing part to me. It is just that maybe you could not see it but for me, I like what I do.

It is the same as me playing the piano.

But what I do not want is that I will lose friends just because I play too much.

Yes, maybe all I talk is about games and music. It is because it is my passion and I know best about them, but talking about the things I have no interest in. Or talking about other general stuff. I am sorry for being such an information idiot.

I have never been much outside interacting with others much. Since young, I have been cooped up inside my house. Reading encyclopedias, books, playing the piano and using the computer is all I can do ever since coming to Singapore and by golly it is still the same.

But yea, what I do and what I cannot do rest on me.

It is up to me.

But I really sincerely apologize if my love of games and music irks people to the extent that they begin to distant themselves away from me.

I gotta go now.

Ciao.

Filler 30

2010-05-16T22:24:00.002+08:00

Maybe I am too kind.
Or maybe is that I am too stupid.

Whatever problems I faced, people says it can be easily solved.

JUST DO THAT IN THAT WAY!
WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THAT?!

Well, maybe I am too naive to think that people can be trusted.
People will not do horrible things to people just for their self gain, and every single time.
I have been proven wrong.

Every single week , twist and turn comes into my world.

I henceforth declare. From now on, no more playing nice. The gloves are off.
Since people wants to play games with me, I will gladly play along.

See how the game will play out and how it will end.
Cause in the end. The ultimate victory will be mine. The ultimate result is to see the ones that touch me or cause me misery suffer tenfold.

And yes, I am stubborn and never think rationally.
I am the most selfless person ever. So selfless I can be a saint.
Never more it shall happen.

Ciao.

Episode 48: Laughter and Merriment

2010-05-08T21:51:00.007+08:00

The title of this post is the same as one of the songs in Kingdom Hearts 2 Original Soundtrack.

I am quite surprised that time flies so quickly, maybe it is because of the daily routine things that we do that somewhat dull our senses of time. Imagine this, during weekends, we try to squeeze everything we try to do in 2 short days.

And it was lucky for me to be blessed with a longer weekend.

I went to Dorry's house last Friday, meet with him and his family. Such nostalgia, that was the second time I have been to his new house. So far, I have been to 3 of his houses and the latest one was big... The housewarming coincided with his last birthday and that was 7 months ago.

So we just hanged out at his house for the night. Played Resident Evil 4 Assignment Ada final boss, quite tough I should say, but I managed to beat him by discerning his attack patterns and by sheer quick time actions with a lot of luck.

Sleeping over is quite a exciting thing. I had slept over only twice before, once was when it was crunch time during 'A'Levels, embarrassingly, I knocked out during one of the math papers at around 3 a.m. It was also at Dorry's house.

Well, this was the second time.

We played RE4 and watch both Ip Man 1 and 2.

It was interesting as we was watching Ip Man 2 before we knocked out. Funny thing is that Jeffry was shouting IP MAN!!! in his sleep, haha! I was laughing away. Sigh.. The good old times.

Yesterday night was a good night.

Went for a run, strangely this run was refreshing like crazy. Not much pressure and listening to the Ipod playing while I run.

After I finished running I drop by the McDonalds for a cold Milo. Coolness...

Looking at the piano while I return gave me a crazy idea.

After I bathed, I just sat on the piano and play.

Now I think all neighbourhood will hate me if I played like normal.

So I used the magical middle muffler pedal, it actually drop a thick cloth between the hammer and the string to prevent the sound from resonating by dissipating the sound waves on the cloth.

So basically I have been playing undisturbed at night but at a muffled and muted sound.

I wanted to play at the normal sound but for modesty and for the interest of people sleeping I don't want to wake up with bruises. But it was a good practice for a change.

I learn quite a lot in that particular session about control with slow songs.

Anyways. I got a series of songs to write before going overseas.

Need to psych my mom to get me a keyboard before I go.

Ciao.

Episode 47: Recollection

2010-05-06T13:29:00.004+08:00

Today, I was on a break, not exactly a long one or not exactly a short one either.

It was just a nice break in the middle of the week. It was quite a hectic week too for my Army.

My father went to Taiwan just now so it is just my mom and me at home.

I do not dislike my father exactly, just that he was quite a cranky man at home.

Every single thing he nitpick on, it is like he is taking over the job of my mom as a matriarch.

Maybe he is insensitive but he seemed like disturbing me in the most inopportune moment.

Which brings me to the point that apparently I had this natural or somewhat supernatural skill of breaking stuff.

I had no intention of really breaking stuff, it is just that they naturally happen.

For example, my desktop computer which I had for 3 years, it's motherboard burnt out..

This is not my computer's motherboard, but it gives the extent of the damage for the user to see.

I had never touched the computer much except in the weekends when I return from camp. Apparently my father thought it was 'completely' my fault and lo and behold.

He gave me a lecture on how I should stop playing computer games (ironic in the sense i did not even play computer games, I play console games.) and he said not to waste his time when I go overseas.

The thing that ires me is that he always says this and whenever he does not he wants to make 'big money'. The truth is, the sad truth is. He is waiting for opportunities to arrive and in a Chinese saying. It is like "Waiting for a rabbit to hit a tree and be killed in order to kill it."

I have intention of clashing with him. Not ever.

I guess I will work overdrive in my musical side now.

Time to find paper!!!!!!

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I think I better start by doing pieces about people, people I know...

I guess having a recorder nearby help quite a bit.

People are interesting creatures in the fact that none of them are the same, as can be said about piano pieces.

Even though years and centuries has passed, songs sometimes have similar melodies, similar rhythm. But none of them are the same, none of the songs can be replicated by human arms. The minute touches and feels are somewhat different for individuals.

So go forth I shall.

And practise makes better results.

Ciao.

Episode 46: Disconnection

2010-05-01T19:36:00.005+08:00

I have lots of things to say yet I have no idea of how to put it down.

Or maybe my mind is too tired to even think about it...

I was trying to blog a post but in the end ended up on bed. I was sleeping like no tomorrow, yet was sublimely conscious that I was sleeping. Every time I was about to snore, I just woke up. Funny thing is, I never snored before in my whole life. I was only conscious about my drooling problem in sleep, even though I was adamant to not admit that I drool in camp to my camp mates.

According to Wikipedia, snoring is actually caused by vibration of the respiratory tract and hence the unpleasant sound. There are a few causes of this regular occurrence:

A) Throat Weakness

B) Mispositioned Jaw

C) General Obstruction of the Throat and Nasal Areas

Well. What results in my case is that I have no idea.. Maybe I had inflammation in my nasal area that may cause this, that may be the case since I had trouble breathing again.

It will be a hassle since IPPT is coming right up and I am not in my best game.

Heck, I have been training and this is really taking me down.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe I am too soft hearted, in the last post I was like in an impulse of rage to say that I hate the person stated there.

Am I that of a forgiving person? Well. Past is past?

Nursing a grudge is bad for health and it is proven that when people think bad thoughts they produces poison (harmful chemicals) in their saliva which harms their body.

Anyways. I guess I go take a walk....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Having felt a pang of sadness just now, I just walked down the stairs of my HDB block and to the park.

Thinking of all these things that happened these few days.

What am I doing so far, am I whining too much?

What am I here for?

People are prospering out here while I am sitting in the middle of nowhere lamenting of all the things that happened... What past is past why did I bother to remember it?

I just ran and blast music into my ear. Came back home with a heavy heart and lungs.

Felt like someone punched me in the chest and while washing up, I spat out some red stuff from my mouth. Metallic taste stayed at the back of my nose. It was actually a nose bleed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dorry.

Just chatting with his siblings reminded me how long ago I have met them and how long since I have seen them all.

They are my close friends or can be said family friends since 4 years ago when I first met them,

Tommy was just Primary 2 and Jeffry well, he just graduated from Primary School.

Fast forward to now, Tommy is going to go through PSLE and Jeffry is going for 'O'Levels.

Time really flies.

And I have just a few months left in Singapore.

I had just received the offer letter from UNSW Foundation Studies and yes. I am going to Australia soon. The exact date I am not going to disclose here because it may be too painful for me to say so and the more I shouldn't say it because people may be quite upset of me leaving.

I do not want to break their hearts.

In any case, the internet line at my house is driving me crazy.

Either my father had some itchy finger and flicks the switch of the internet on and off in regular frequencies or... THe internet is really wonky.

I gotta go.

Its getting late.

Ciao.

Episode 45: Melancholy

2010-04-27T23:42:00.001+08:00

Well, yesterday was a string of coincidence one after another.

Meeting Ruo Xuan and Priscilla for dinner at West Mall's Koufu , Ruo Xuan was strangely late again and Priscilla, well, she was nowhere to be found too...

Just walking in, I thought I saw someone I knew, and yes, it was Wang Sen.

Don't know why but a wave of sadness passed over me. I don't know but I felt really worried about him. RuoXuan says that I could not console anyone if they are upset cause even though they wanted it. They still wouldn't let go. All I can be is a constant supporter and a companion by their side. This is a thing that Wang Sen must go through by himself. It does not mean that he will fall down alone, but I want to remind him that whatever he does, friends are there to help him and I will be still his friend no matter what happens.

Earlier on the same day, I had a privy of experiencing the pain of under wrongly being scrutinized. I am sure Mr Jeremy. You are sore from that scolding you received, but to blame it solely on me of course I am not happy.

I respect you as a friend but this is going too far. I am serious most of the time while I do not know that your orders are, but apparently you are making a mockery of me. I duly completed my duties and the obvious fact that you kept threaten to 'charge' and 'give extras' have nullify the effect on me. The rate you have been giving me trouble is skyrocketed and my respect for you has plummeted. All the suggestions I have given you, you have filtered none of them in.

Captain's orders and the way you swagger about give me little effect and the little smug talk on that day... Thank you. I will never talk to you again directly. Instead, I will talk to you via a vector. Preferably I will never even come into contact with you again.

You disappoint me. Gave me the biggest insult in my life.

Eventually I may forget this event, but subconsciously I will still remember this.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, today I went to Tanjong Pagar to submit my application for UNSW Foundation Studies.

After the submission. I went down to have my usual tea-time at 3.

Well, I do not know where I got the habit of sitting down at 3p.m to have a cup of tea/coffee and some light snacks.

Digress! I just sat down at a traditional shop to have a break. It is really cool as the fact it contains relic of the old 70's and the antique clock that worth S$3500 (they forgot to tear down the price tag after the auction i think...) the only thing that is out of place is a modern laminated piece of poster and some Tiger Beer coasters that is comedic in it's own way

The thing that caught my eye the most is the contents of the poster.

It talks about something around the lines of this

Forget about the past because it is already done.

Do not worry about the future because it hasn't arrived yet.

Just live in the present and enjoy every moment it presents to you.

Guess by my memory, the essence is there albeit quite diluted.

Shall I live by this then?

It causes less worry for me.

Ciao.

Episode 44: Sponge

2010-04-14T00:12:00.004+08:00

Standing in the middle of the pouring rain just now made me realize that I am a damn complicated piece of creature.

All my life I have been doing nothing of worth mentioning. All I can think about is that my whole life is can be symbolized as a sponge.

Yes, as a freaking sponge.
All I ever do is to absorb and absorb more and more stuff everyday.
Information has been fed to me since I was young and while I am at small age I lapped up every single chance I can get to have just for the love of learning new things. Would you believe the excitement I had the first time I heard that actually our Sun is in fact a star?
Wow! A night time occurence happening in the day!

Over the years my thirst of knowledge never quite abate much. Maybe dropped quite a bit over the past few months. It seems I am plain regurgitating the data and information I have just absorbed and frankly, No originality.

I was so damn confused by the fact that I could not even think by my own two feet. Just follow orders,: "Do this and get it done!" I will just say ok and proceed to complete the task at hand. it is alike building a table with a set amount of materials and with an instruction sheet. Without the instruction sheet, I am almost akin to a kayaker in the middle of an ocean without his paddles.

SO basically my life now were just like this.

Following orders like crazy. It will be a miracle the things that they asked me to do may include re-enlisting into the army or doing some random stunt in the short 2 years of my NS life.

Well, now what I wonder is what kind of ideas a sponge might have?
Ever since young its like I have been absorbing ideas and spitting them out in their purest form. Even in 'be creative classes' I am sending out ideas that are model creative answers with no creativity on my part whatsoever.

Reading magazines with people that lives are hung on the edge with the only lifeline is their ambition to go through in life.
I realized that unlike many people. I am in no need for ambition or I have yet to find my own.
Well, time will tell.
I have heard that if going to medical school so that your sole purpose is to become a doctor to earn big bucks for yourself. I will be sadly mistaken. Life is about helping others, putting oneself behind so others can have a chance.

What am I capable of so that I can make life a better place to live in?
That is a quite serious question I must ask myself.
Spreading joy thru music, study hard to become a doctor so i can see the smile in patient's face?
There are a lot of things that I want to do but ultimately. It is for the joy that I would like to achieve for. For both me and the other party.

Ciao. I pray to the Lord so that happiness will be abundant.

Episode 43: Lazy Daydreams

2010-04-11T01:04:00.002+08:00

Late in midnight is when I write my feelings and thoughts down.

For now, what I think is this is the most active blog here and I am closing the rest of my other blogs. Leaving them open to read is a waste of time too, the last post entries of the other blogs were dated at September 2008 which were like donkey years ago.

So this is quite a short weekend. I spent the time normally. And normally is defined as: "Go back home, switch on the computer and PlayStation 3 and sit in front the monitor the whole day with a few breaks in between to get things done."

It is quite depressing actually. Camp is now like a school. I had gotten the feeling again. The feeling of dread when entering the school. The feeling of facing the teachers whom can be comparable to the devil himself. The same can be said for camp, it now follows the timetable schedule strictly to the bone.

Maybe I am too full of complaints? Maybe I do not like the strictness of any systems
Even in school, maybe it isn't enough time.
Or it was just the folly of the other people that brought about this change?

This week, I am about to experience the longest week ever brought about by our unit.
I have no idea what my unit is thinking but I am glad that by the end of this year, it is about to end.

____________________________________________________________________

Well this weekend was fortunate, I got to relax outside for a bit. I went to the Post Office to drop off a letter addressed to me for a survey that will be done by the end of this month. 27th of April.
Then I went to the Bukit Batok National Library which I never went before in the longest time. That said that I have never went there for the longest time, I conveniently forgotten that the Library closes at 9p.m.
So I hurriedly grabbed a couple of fiction books and proceeded to check them out.
I got 'IronBark' and 'Do the Creepy Thing'.

Well, I had just read finished IronBark.
Quite a nice story on the first time, it is about a story of a 16year old got sent to live with his grandfather. He apparently suffered from some psychological disorder which turns him into 'The Hulk' in the emotional sense.
Well, it has a nice buildup. Quite detailed too. It was merely a ruse to get me to breeze thru the book. What really get to me is that there are lot of potential for growth. Excellent effort in putting in the feelings of a normal rebellious gangster down in the book.
Love relationship problems, having to deal with the switch from Urban to rural.
In the last chapter the story ended abruptly. It turn into some kind of horror book whereby he just went berserk for no apparent reason. I think the author was trying to write the book in a day and was like. "Wow, time to turn in for the night, lets end this book!".
No proper resolution and explanation given.

I am good with cliffhangers but this is not one I recommend to read if I were you. It was like it cut steam during the buildup and left it there. No Climax, no defining points. None at all.

Well. I am off to do the normal things now.
Ciao.

Be right back soon after the long week.

Episode 42: Three Wishes

2010-04-03T15:48:00.003+08:00

I was thinking these past few days.
When God walk with me and ask me this question.

"What three wishes you want me to make for you, son?"

Well, I will take a while to ponder if this comes. And according to times, we change. As we grow older. Our desires evolve in time, our wishes suit whatever that the situation demand.

I think for now. What I really want most is these three things.

Firstly, I want "Wisdom".
I do not know everything, but I do not want to know everything either. Sometimes it is just too painful or it is sometimes it too embarrassing to know that much.
But I want the kind of wisdom that will get me through life. To help people and to make the world a better place.
Wisdom to say the right thing at the right time (honestly, why I kept typing Wright? I must stop thinking about video games seriously..)

Having wisdom does not mean being a smart aleck. It does not matter whether I have high IQ like a rocket scientist. It helps a bit when getting through exams with breeze with wisdom.

In short, I want wisdom to help me through my obstacles and getting past that using wisdom to worship the lord. Or rather the other way round. It is simpler this way. Oh and using the wisdom to help others,

Secondly, I wish for strength.
These few years. I have been plagued with lots of trials. And it was due to the encouragement of my beloved ones that I am able to pass through each and every one.
I think this blog documented the nuances of my life well enough.

Strength in the physical sense and mental sense.
This is what I wished for.

Thirdly, the last thing i wished for is love or in other words the sense of enjoyment.
I want to enjoy the things that I like again. To love what I have lost interest in.
Like music for example. I want the passion to burn in my heart again.

Real bad.

Well, others ask, why wish for these 3 things? They are lame! Ask for more practical things la!

Money? I have all that I wanted. Some things cannot be bought with money, like our jobs or skills or our personality.
Wealth does not equal to health.

But with wisdom, health and love I can go through this short life.
All on the blessing of Lord.

Amen.
Ciao. I am going off now. Its getting quite late.

Episode 41: Song of The Sun

2010-03-30T23:51:00.004+08:00

The Month of March is ending and the Month of April is starting soon.
For me, blogging is really hard to do already, looking for sources of inspiration to write down in this blog is now quite a chore.

Now, before starting a post, I have to think of the blog title. Well, it have to make sense or related to what I am thinking.

The title is a reference of a movie that I eagerly anticipated, 'Professor Layton and the Eternal Diva'. A tale set in between the Nintendo DS games series of Professor Layton.

To find out what the song means, go watch the movie! I will not spoil any plot lines here.

To start to write a post however, I am always distracted, need to open Itunes for music, look at other people's blog, open up GameFAQS/Kotaku, look at Live Messenger. Before looking at my browser to think what the hell should I write. Of course, that sometimes amount to nothing and I just switch to playing PS3.

Maybe I have been looking at the wrong perspective in life for the past few months. Maybe I am focusing too much on my negativity. What I felt is that I am drifting away, away from my friends because of this. My incessant need to stay at home cut off from my friends may be a major cause to this.

If the meaning of normal is like this. Hanging out with friends and having a good time and laugh and eat together. Why can't I be more normal than this?
Is it because of my nature, my nature of being so in love with digital stuff?
Why can't I be more loving towards my close friends? Why am I always covered in doom and gloom and hide in an icy shell?

Am I that shunned?

Now, this April, I hope it will be the lowest point of this year.
From now on, I will keep myself busy. After the multitude of guard duty and Barrack Orderlies I must do starting from next week. I am going to start on re-educating myself.

This weekend I am going to submit my UNSW application form.
I hope I get accepted soon and after that I am going to plan on what to do on my trip to the Outback. I have heard stories, and not all of them are quite cheery...

Okay. I gotta go off now. Hope the subsequent months are going to be better. I hope blessings are on me to rest while work at the same time.

Ciao.

Filler 29

2010-03-25T01:22:00.002+08:00

Time to write in this place again!
Well, it seemed like ages when I first started here in this blog.

Anyways, there is nothing much to talk about. March is really a season of chaos.
On the good side, Final Fantasy XIII and God Of War III were released.

On the evil side, misfortune has befallen me and my friends.
Well, apparently some demon has been slashing away at my wallet and really trying to demoralize me.
Keep it up! Whoever you are trying to make my life miserable, you already succeeded. I am now so grateful of National Service in terms that it will prepare me for the ugliness the outside world present to me. Trust me, things inside the army will be mind blowing considering how many 'landmines' I uncovered.

Life is a one damn big roller coaster, whenever I am home, I felt at peace compared to the constant barrage of hell in camp. Come on. What is the worst that could come? I am expected to collide head on with a 5-tonner soon.

And to Wang Sen, my dear friend. I know you are in tough times as well, just to remind you. You are not alone in all this. You have friends that support you and help you. Cheer up, you have still a long life ahead of you. I will be there always in any way providing as much help as possible even though how small or big the problem is.

I may not be of help much but yea... I am always ready to provide a listening ear. Like you have done with me during my tough times. We are buddies like the rest of the bunk. I hope to see you smile more again.

I gotta go. Its getting late...

Ciao.

Episode 40: First Rebellion

2010-03-04T19:23:00.003+08:00

Screw General Paper/ English language. I will write in the style in the most appropriate way I feel it should be written. My post shall be a record of my thoughts no matter how screwed up or messy it was.

So before launching into blog proper. I shall state that maybe, just maybe. I am quite the most unlucky guy in the world.
Let me share my predicament.

Of all things that I do, its like I can not do anything that I am assigned to.
What I believed I was good at I was time and time again proven wrong.

Lets list down the following.

1. Music
Wow! I am a pianist, therefore qualify as a musical prodigy. Yeah, Right! ( The only double positive connotations ever form a negative.{DO not worry if you do not understand. The internet is always there. })
Thinking that I can make it big out there just because I can plonk a few keys down? I am maybe the worst guy for the job. I am not even inspired and clueless on how to write down my imagination. Maybe I am scared, just maybe I am vying for perfection and fear that I cannot take the criticism?
Furthermore, I stopped at the brink of Grade 8, just one more small push and I can reach my diploma. Why why why?!
It just further shows my inadequacies.

2. School
Am I that afraid of everything? This is more of a worry than my disability. Past experiences sullied my senses for studying. All these studying towards what end? I don't see how it effects my future job. Come to think of it, what will be my future job and what will I do?
All I can see is that I am standing at a crossroads and looking for ways to move on.

3. Friends
I think I failed my friends too.
What I feel that is maybe just I am not a great listener. Maybe I had too much problems that I cause you guys to shun away from me. I am also too boring maybe? Then I apologise if I am to enthusiastic in my pursuit of my hobby.
But like some people said, I am not your only friend. So I think it is only natural that I will be forgotten in days and years to come.

I think I shall stop the list here in case it gets longer and longer.
Well, of all the luck I had.
I could not do my job properly.
Assigned a store based on trust that I am able to carry out my job properly and adequately. Things get lost and damaged and whose fault is that? ME

Assigned a cover medic role? I got screwed for no apparent reason.

Just that this month starts off 'great' and I really hope that GOD at least read this and try to help me.
It is really going to be a divine and supernatural force to pull me out of this blackhole that I am in the most unfortunate position to be sucked into.

Anyways. I gotta go.
Ciao.

Episode 39: The Last Story

2010-02-18T21:31:00.001+08:00

I just had a crazy idea to write down my whole life story in a novel form.

Unlike writing it here which record the musing and thoughts that I had during this period of time. Writing a autobiography may provide an insight on how my life played out these past 18 years.

It will be a rough guide to people the do's and don'ts that plague me in this society since 1990.

The first book will encompass my life from Year 0 - 17.

Well, since year 0 I have no memories. I will just highlight the juiciest moments of my memories.
Or it will be the backdrop to the next few books.
Anyway, I have already start writing and planning for the books.

Expect it soon! I have not found a publisher yet. So may be I will try publishing it in the I-net form.

For now, there are some other plans I have in mind.

So, I want to create a team for video game.

Remake Games Studios TM
The TM stands for trademark naturally, I cannot find any patented name for this yet on the internet and I hope this is the first one to get the name.
Well, this is what most of fans of games want to do.
Get the old school games and re-imagine it how it look and play like when brought forward in time.

Starting out this blog post. I felt like there are lots of things to say.
Just that afterward I seem to lose the drive to write and type after been distracted by so many stuff.
I can't say I am being distracted.
Just that most of the things warrant my attention.
Friends and family.

I am scared to lose any of them.
A talk between my mother and one of my friends expose some alarming fact that treasure friendship like no other.

I think I will really be traumatized if any one of my closest friends left me.
What will I really do?
People changes over time, I may change over time.
But you know, I like who I am and I want to stay this way.

And I think I better end this blog post.
Getting drowsy.

Ciao.

Thinking of you, wherever you are. We pray for our sorrows to end, and hope that our hearts will blend. Now I will step forward to realize this wish. And who knows: starting a new journey may not be so hard, or maybe it has already begun. There are many worlds, and they share the same sky - one sky, one destiny.

Filler 28: Reddish Love

2010-02-14T01:02:00.005+08:00

Wow.

For the first time in my life, this day is one that is so rare that cause people to have dilemma.

Today is a Sunday.
Its the 1st day of the Chinese New Year.
It falls also on Valentines Day.

What the heck...

Anyways.
I have quite some stuff to finish this week.
Learn finish a song, play games, go out for entertainment.

The usual stuff, nothing special.
Haha.
Okie.
I gotta go!

Ciao.

Episode 38: Closed Circuit

2010-02-06T02:00:00.004+08:00

Here I am again!

Well, it is not that I have nothing to do but..
It is time to remake my Wish List!

Ok... This is going in chronological order.

For the Short Term:
1. Pass IPPT in the March/April window.
Just last week, I had done the RT cover for NSmen, what I saw and felt, I do not want to go back there anymore.
Anyways, it is for the sake of my fitness too.
The barrier I had to surpass is the pull ups. People have been able to pull like crazy....

Meanwhile I am just straining to do it...
What an embarrassment...

2. Get a electronic piano.
Since I am going to be stuck in my room anyways, might as well put a piano in my room.
In my dearest living room, it is forever occupied by those wanting to peruse the television or the laptop.

My goals:

A) To be able to practice in peace.
B) Compose songs!

What I want to get is this baby here...

Such grandness! I can compose on it too! With live sounds and multitrack recording. I can make it sound like 4 piano playing at one time!
By the way this baby here cost about s$2500.

3. Go overseas on holiday at the moment of

Well, hell yes Japan!

But first I would like to go back to Sarawak for awhile.
It is nice to go to countryside for a bit, especially walking on unlit roads at night! OH the thrill!
Furthermore, there are delicacies that is a must try.

Especially, Stir fry Bats, Bugs, Snakes?

Afterward, maybe China with Wang Sen.
Then to Sweet Japan!

4. UNSW Foundation Course.
I want to give another crack at studying since the last stint in "A" Levels.
Well, please do not stop me from leaving.
Of course some people wanted me here but I think it is for our best interest.
Welp! At least there are some thing to catch up to and talk about when I return!
For the Long Term:

1. Get a Land Property of my Own in "insert country here"
And here I am going to build my own Mansion!

With:

1. A theatre
2. Gaming Room.
3. Swimming Pool.
4. Concert Room (Concert hall is too grand)
5. A Ballroom
6. A exquisite dining hall.

If any doubts look at Tomb Raider Legends' Croft Manor as a rough example.

2. A Steinways and Sons Grand Piano

A grand cut from the above electronic piano!
The touch! The gooosebumps and tear inducing sounds!

3. Be in a video game company
To make games like Kingdom Hearts and compose music for it!
Isn't it wonderful?

Anyways.
I gotta go!

Ciao!

Episode 37: Wonderland's Surprises

2010-01-16T22:30:00.003+08:00

如果有一天　我回到從前

If there comes one day when I return to the past

回到最原始的我

Return to the most original me

你是否會覺得我不錯

Would you feel that I am okay?

如果有一天　我離你遙遠

If there comes one day when I am faraway from you

不能再和你相約
and I can’t still meet with you

你是否會發覺我已經說再見
Would you discover I have already said goodbye?

當你的眼睛瞇著笑

When your eyes narrow in laughter

當你喝可樂當你吵

When you drink cola, when you complain

我想對你好　你從來不知道

I want to be good to you, (but) you never know…

想你想你　也能成為嗜好

Thinking of you (so much), I can also become fond of you

當你說今天的煩惱

When you speak of today’s worries

當你說夜深你睡不著
When you said you can’t sleep at night

我想對你說

I want to tell you

卻害怕都說錯

but I’m afraid I’ll say everything wrong

好喜歡你　知不知道
I really like you, do you know?

如果有一天　夢想都實現

If there comes a day when all dreams come true

回憶都成了永遠

Memories will all become forever

你是否還會記得今天

Would you still remember today?

如果有一天　我們都發覺

If there comes a day when we both discover

原來什麼都可以

That actually anything is possible

無論是否還會停留在這裡

Will you still stay at here a while?

也許空虛讓我想得太多

Maybe the emptiness makes me think too much

也許該回到被窩

Maybe I should return to hiding (lit. ‘shelter of blankets’)

夢裡會相遇

In my dreams I meet you

就毫不猶豫

and barely hesitating

大聲的說我要說

I loudly say that ‘I want to say…’

我想對你說　卻害怕都說錯

I want to tell you, but I’m afraid I’ll say everything wrong

好喜歡你　知不知道

I really like you, do you know?

This week passed by with much problems..

I sort of lost control of myself.

Shouted at my bunk mates even though they were having fun playing pranks and making noise.

'Background'

My current bunk is made up of 8 people of which 4 of them are Malays and the other are Chinese.

In actuality it is 5 Malays instead cause 1 of them had a Chinese father which translates.. Yea.. Its Complicated.

I wonder if is it due to stress or other variable factor that I was able to react like that on that day. No doubt I will be the mockery of the bunk on that loss of temper of mine.

Today was also a hit and miss session for me.

Good News: I finally managed to ask her out.

Bad News: I got sick.

Well.

Too bad for me then...

Anyways.

I would like to thank 3 friends in particular that made me pull through this week.

Alberto Nelson 'Chipmunk' Tantular

Well, he gave me quite harsh comments on how I should manage myself.

Naturally it involves me sometimes throwing my slipper at his face.

He speaks the harsh truth and sometimes didn't make sense at all, deviating from the topic most of the times.

What I observe is that whenever I want to just yell out and release my frustrations, he just would divert the topic to elsewhere so I will not be too emotionally distraught. He must learn it from somewhere...

But 1 thing I learn is that being happy is not a chore if you have fun doing it.

Making people happy is not work to me.

Is that seeing the smile on their face because I did something ignites the fire in my heart and warms it up, the feeling of importance that I seek.

I sometimes get down whenever I try to make happiness, I wrought sorrow instead.

Wang Sen... (Again...)

Well, it seems like the friend to call whenever I am in trouble...

He seems nonchalant but quick to point out wherever I went wrong.

Yes, I am too damn pessimistic.

Walking around me, People can sense the rain cloud on my head.

Doom and gloom... My resolution is to remove it...

Although it seems that I need constant reminder from you which I feel bad about....

Seong Koon Yeu Keed.

Wow, you like a buddy comes to me at the rightest of time and give me accompaniment.
Laugh with me even when I am sad.
I am eternally grateful to you.

Alright. I gotta go now...

Ciao.

Episode 36: The Great Will

2010-01-03T15:40:00.005+08:00

Before starting to reveal my this year's resolution, I would like to review the past year and do a little bit of reflection.

Judging by the visitor count in my blog, I am guessing that few will ever bounce into my blog. If they did, there are a few reasons why they did it. I gave them the blog address before, just plain accident that they crashed into this site.

Last year is really a roller coaster ride, being in army really open my eyes to the world. It puts me through trials and tribulations, happiness and sorrow.
Made countless acquaintances, friends and buddies along the way too.
They all are instrumental in keeping my head on my shoulders.

The army courses are too a life changing experiences.
BMT introduces the harshness of the wild, BMC the joy of healing, MRF the importance of working together.
I learn a lot too, how to stay focused, how to keep my cool and how not to be so depressed.
Anyways, learning is still not applying, and furthermore, I am still trying to repair my heart, my emotional self that was hurt and broken time and time again.

These past years, lots of notable people died, Michael Jackson, The Rev, Heath Ledger, relatives and friends amongst the few.
It was quite distressing to hear about the deaths, I can sympathize with those who mourn.
They are really talented people and those that you look up to as a goal and as a pillar of strength, so I would be really lost and distant because you lost someone you adore.

Life is short, I do not know who will die next. All I know if I lost someone near and dear to my heart. I don't think I would be able to take it. Friends, family, my idols, and truthfully, I will go into shock or just change to a very distant mood.

If I die... I don't know how the people close to me will react.
Probably the same.

That is why in case I die. I want to leave a message/will from me.

Daniel Goh Tzehou's Will Ver 1.0

1. Message

Hi! Well, it is weird leaving a message to all of you from the other side. What I want to say is that go forth and enjoy life, as simple as that. Do not mope around when I am gone as life will still function albeit a bit weird because sometimes you cannot hear my voice. Well, time does not stop, nor rewind to the past.

What I am happy about this is that, I have no regrets. Even though life in my eyes has it's shortcomings, I feel sad and disappointed when my results aren't at the top notch. Feeling left out when friends forgot about me. But all these are feelings that normal humans have. Everyone had these kinds of feelings. But what I feel is that at this point of writing. Screw results, screw sorrow. I have lived my life to my fullest, laughed my loudest, share my joys and divulges my sorrow. Friends and family... I am glad to have all of you by my side in the times both good and bad.

Overall, what I wanted you guys is to move on. Sure, my room will be empty. No more laughing, chatting with me. But know this, even though I am gone. I believe part of me still lives on within each and every single one of you. I don't know... But if I can, I will be there in the other side, cheering you guys on in what ever decisions you ponder and make.

May the arms of the angels guide you!

2. Funeral

Ideally, I would like my funeral be held in a lake, pushed off into the calm serene waters and let nature designate my final resting point.
But due to cost concern and not to alarm authorities when they find a body in a weird position under a waterfall...

The other alternative is cremation.

About my wake...
Lets keep it as short as possible. True, wakes are there to pay respects, for remembrance. But it is also a major emotional session. I would like my wake to be of a 1 day event at most, any longer I am afraid that I may jump out of the grave to console you personally for the prolonged pain.
What I want for my wake/funeral is it to signify celebration and not a session of sorrow that I have went into the arms of the Lord. Maybe chatting with him already... : ) forgive my occasion insert of smileys in this grim message...
So, yea... You guys can cry. You can let your emotions out. But, remember. I want you guys to live your life to the fullest.

I do not want to have my wake at a void deck. NEVER. Scratch Buddhist funeral procession, I want to have a simple Christian one.

Coffins... I have no preferences.. But do not dress me up in some kind of tuxedo. I want to dress simple, I believe my wardrobe will suffice.

In any case if I perish in some kind of freak accident... Please for the good of my family and friends, I want the coffin to be nailed shut immediately. I do not want to torture them with grisly bits and deformed face.

If of natural causes, I have no objection of people seeing my visage. Hopefully I will have a smile on my face, if not.. Try to ask the people that prepare my resting bed to help me smile.

If for some reason my body is not found. Just leave a picture to remember me for a while.

For the portrait, I want a picture of me smiling and happy. Like this.

Wow!

But not exactly like this... I have numerous pictures of myself... I think. Just do not put a picture with me scowling.

For the music, I want several songs to be played when I am sent off.

1.生まれてきてくれてありがとう from うみねこのなく頃に BGM (Literally means Thank you for being Born)
2.素敵だね featured in FINAL FANTASY X
3.つづられた言葉 from FINAL FANTASY TACTICS A2 封穴のグリモアオリジナル・サウンドトラック

Although I love music and allow music from my Ipod to be played... It is quite inappropriate for Disgaea themes to be played and of course... No one wants to listen to One Winged Angel in the funeral... (Lyrics are hate hate consume in Latin.... You get the idea...)

3. Inheritance?

Currently none, but you can do what ever you like with the game collection I have.

4. Final Words.

Sigh... Must I say it?
But yes, it is fated that one will leave this world one day. But all I hope that I left a lasting impression amongst you all. Be it a nice family member, a great buddy, a listening ear, a troublemaker of sorts. I will never forget you guys.

See you. Enjoy your days ahead. May it be longer than mine.

I am shy to write this, therefore I

Leave it as a classic way to deliver messages
On this
Very moment
Even though you are sad. Just smile and think about the happy memories we had together

You will see there are no need for tears.
Only smile and hope for the best.
Understand? Haha! You guys to me are the most important, even losing you is incomparable.

Greatest friends, families and companions in the world
U guys are in good hands and
You guys represent the best in me
Signing off and ciao for the last time.

Well,
I guess the New Year's Resolution is on the next post then.
I am too tired already to type further.

See you guys soon.

Episode 35: Because You Are Here

2009-12-27T15:37:00.002+08:00

Well.
What an eventful weekend it turned out to be.

For Christmas, I invited a couple of my friends over to have a small celebration and to catch up...
Well, nothing much to catch up as we kept in close contact for quite some time.
Me and my mom cooked lunch, and after lunch, we just game away, listen to music.

Thanks Seong Koon for the nice present! Street Fighter 4 is awesome.

Well in the evening, me and Wang Sen just had dinner at Jack's Place.
Sigh,
I was hoping it to be a more joyful occasion but when she was busy, I cannot do anything to change it lest I accidentally incur her wrath.

As I was chatting, I drifted on to the fact that I as a person has flaws.
Looking back at the past 18 months, I had come very far and learned much.

18 months ago, I am a wreck. Studying for "A" Levels has really taken it's toll on me.

Fast Forward to 12 months ago.
I enlisted into the army as a recruit in Tekong.... Fun days?
I guess so..

Fast Forward to 6 months ago.
After Basic Medical Course. I entered into the Medical Response Force...
My god did I broke down then...

As it shows, I am no Perfect Guy. No nice friend to be with.
I am susceptible to breakdowns, need lots of repairs.

But I am thankful this time.

People stood by me, held my hands when I fall.

Ruo Xuan, even though I scored damn lousy. You are there to cheer me up. Even though I felt like screaming, you turn my tears to smiles.

Wang Sen , Yeu Keed, Zhen Qin, Alan, Dorry... Thanks for supporting me in these hard times.
Friends like you guys are hard to get.
Even though we are not related by blood.
The crest of our brotherhood are carved in our hearts (forgive me for sounding so cheezy here).

I felt that over these months, I am more firm with my decisions and treasure my friendships better.
Because you guys are here, I am here standing today.

Ciao.

Episode 34: Wants and Needs

2009-12-13T22:02:00.002+08:00

Heya.

Long time no update over here huh?

Dispense with the formalities shall we? Lets get on to the blog proper.

I had just watched Princess and the Frog, a Disney Movie.
As of most Disney Movie, this is a special one following the Disney Musical Series such as Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast etc...

What makes it so special is the re-imagining of a classic, the fairy tale within a fairy tale and try to explain magic with modern world.
A thorough comedy and a excellent way to convey morals.

Temptations.
How far would you go to achieve what you wanted?
What do you most need?
Whatever that is presented in front of you may not be the necessary the best that you want, or there are underlying need that you need to fulfill in order to proceed on with your life.

The movie presents it in such a precise way that I couldn't help but wonder.
What the hell am I supposed to do, not all of my life is a fairy tale.

I don't know, but, life does not have a fairy tale ending.

Ciao...

Episode 33: Split / Path

2009-12-03T20:30:00.003+08:00

I am quite frustrated by the fact I could not do anything these past few days.

Everything I did must be tracked and monitored, like an electric collar upon a dog. I cannot do anything according to my whim and fancy. Not that I will run amok doing that mind you.

This past few days at home are quite illuminating, based on the number of Playstation trophies I have earned during this time it really shows that my spending of time is really limited to video games.

Really.... At home, what else can I do except to play piano and fantasize myself as a composer...
I am stressed out now...

One path led me to my dreams. Others I do not know.
Playing games are good distraction to me now, people just cannot see it.
Could anyone give me a sense of satisfaction that I get by playing?

Currently, I felt that I was sounding like a madman in need of crack.
Sounding very desperate and tired.
I do not take to disturbing easily and get annoyed.
What the hell is wrong with me?

Everybody seemed so distant from me now.
All my friends held by a fragile connection that will break anytime..

Playing piano is a chore, every single keys I hit produces off- kelter notes that I am so inclined to just bang on the keyboard.
Wanting to scream out my frustration of my inability to will my hands to do what ever I wanted it to.

I just felt helpless, damn freaking helpless.

I guess I shall take to the skies...
Spread my wings awhile...
Dream while I still can.

Because, in a while.
My wings will be stolen from me and I will fall.
Fall down to the wretched ends of Tartarus.

Ciao.

Episode 32: Impending Chaos

2009-11-15T10:02:00.004+08:00

Looking at the title, one might say: " Gosh, how childish!"

But it is a title nevertheless befitting of what has transpired this week, depending on how people look at it.

For me, this week can me summarized into a word, "Shit". This week is shit. Completely bullshit.

They evidently want to drive me up to the wall.
Screw the lucky charm my father gave me, it doesn't seem to be working.

My life is cursed from the start.
That being all is a gentle way of putting it across, ever since in Brunei, I have been haunted by ghosts of the past.

I have been scarred by lots of people in the past, bullied because of being white by those inglorious racists.

Even though crossing the sea to Singapore, a place I thought I would settle down, I would say I was wrong.
Now I have no intention of settling down.

Not to slander, up on the surface, Singaporeans are portrayed as the ideal most gracious citizens as can ever be, the kind hearts that reach out to the needy, only just marred by the recent episodes of funky charities that loves to make it into the news.

But in what I have experienced, Singaporeans are capable of kill/steal and are just stingy people.
They live in the world where natural resources are abundant yet they resort to make other people live's miserable by leeching off them.

There are so much more to say in this post but I will just be wasting my brain cells writing this piece of crap that doesn't constitute a post but maybe just a rant after all.

And so I have to head down to camp tomorrow, on my leave no less.
Suck it up?
I have heard enough of this.

This time, I have to make sure they feel the effects of my wrath.

Ira

Ciao.

Episode 31: Guiding Light

2009-10-30T17:15:00.006+08:00

This month is coming to an end.
A month of action, mystery and resolution.

It seems I have gotten my momentum going.
I have a clear goal, a good de-stressing measure, a few good friends to rely upon on times of trouble.

Piano wise...
Slowly improving, I can't say that I have improved much due to the lack of teachers to teach me the right rungs to climb up the ladder.
Well, skipping a bit is also good. Cause I have free rein on my style :P

Well, to spice things up here a bit... Here are some pictures of recent activities I participated in.

Birthday party...
Looks like I am enjoying it right?
You guys can say that we are enjoying the thrill of leaving the party midway....

Oh yea! Today was Cohesion for our platoon!
That was nice...

Anyways..
I ran out of things to say...

G'day!!!

Ciao for now.

Episode 30: Life of the Planet

2009-10-25T01:06:00.003+08:00

Went clubbing for the first time today.

It was an okay experience I supposed...
Not to start nitpicking,
Me, Wang Sen, Ruzaini and 2 other people from Seletar Medical Center (my god... My mind is like a sieve...) went to ZOUK.(Nice one... Hidden behind a hotel...)

Actually, we spent the bulk of the time waiting outside of the club...
Look at him, him him him/her...

Finally went in at 10.45p.m...
Inside there was a cool system... Invisible hand stamps!
Nice ultra-violet black light system.
Inside the club proper was like what I expected of clubs.
Strobe lights, mists, people partying...

I thought it was like this...

Well, lesson learnt is to keep expectations low...
Where are all the fire jugglers / costumed dancers?

Ok... Lowered expectations.

Instead of the bright and colorful, we get dull and drabby.
Black and dark with pulses of white light.
Instead of lively dance music, it was replaced by sonic eruptors that only emits waves of vibrations.
Mists are nice too....

I found myself getting restless after awhile.
Nightclub isn't just my thing, going there to socialise and all is good...
I guess..
But it still a no for me.
Heck. I do not think I will even step into any clubs after this experience.
I don't even drink...
ok.. A bit...
Wang Sen offered me a sip of lime vodka... Taste like fizzy drink, and a little bitter... Made my stomach turned a bit...

I do not like taking pictures of myself...
Well, I am not as loving to get photographed like last time :=)

Ok...
Think that is all for today.

Ciao.

Episode 29: True Past

2009-10-21T00:45:00.002+08:00

Another year has passed.

For me, another jump in age.

I think, the time has come to reiterate my dreams and now make a strong conviction in fulfilling it.
No matter the obstacles, how high or tough it may be, even if it seem insurmountable. I will find the strength to conquer it.

This year was the year of National Service for me.
A hell lot of things that went on,
When I mean hell lot
I mean it...

It was this time last year I was preparing for my 'A' Levels. Studied darn hard.
Studied like there are no tomorrow.
Shed a few buckets of tears and sweat just for this asinine piece of result slip.

Demoralized me like no tomorrow this exam did, the moment I went and take the slip, my heart just froze over. No emotion, nothing, people around me celebrating, crying in sorrow.
I just walked away... Meeting Ruo Xuan outside the hall, I just smiled.
My heart almost broke then, she cheered me on even though my results were so horrifying... Well... To most people anyways.
It took every fiber of my being not to choke up when talking to her...

That was during BMT I believe...

Speaking of BMT.
Going to Pulau Tekong is an experience that should be experienced.
Shaved heads, rowdy behavior, weird characters.. All that can be expected from all walks of life converged into one single company.

The 'Hawk' Company.
One of the companies that made up the many that Tekong has to offer.
My bunk mates were the odd sheep of the platoon, cause, we are the 'expatriates room'.
3 from China, 2 from India, 2 from Philippines and me from Malaysia.
10 days after we get acquainted with ourselves, Leong Chun Kiat, posted here. A kinda cool friend to have, hardworking and smart to boot.

There, in the platoon, bonds foster and grow.
Collin Tan, my ex-classmate. We still rarely talk to each other.
Chen Shuo Tian, whose ties to Alan Ng and Dorry Poa are too coincidental to be true, and we are linked in such web that no one can fathom.

Chiang Cheng Hsien (Doraemon) , who accompany me throughout the National Service life up to now.
Either he is stalking me or we have some kind of ESP.
I wanted to be a medic while he want to be a storeman/logistic officer... Seriously he almost decided to sign on..... :(
Me, Chun Kiat and him were posted together to become Medics (now Emergency Medical Technicians) and Chun Kiat passed out as one of the top few and went off to his high flying career.
Meanwhile me and Cheng Hsien went on to Medical Response Force which I will touch upon later.

In every camp, there are difficult people and obstacles need clearing.
My 'buddy' from China for example, to describe him lightly, he is egocentric.
That's enough for BMT for now.
Getting out of Tekong is a relief, cause, no more long travels! Or so I hope.

Posted to Medics is one of my dreams, to help people in ways not possible.
Save Lives.
I have a penchant of reading up 'random and useless' stuff and well thank Boys' Brigade for the 1st Aid lessons too.
Going to Nee Soon, my hair stood up on it's end, I felt weird as I think I will be bonded there for quite some time.

I think my premonition is dead spot on.

Aside from that, being there in Basic Medic Course was the funnest time of my National Service life.
The condition I met my friends are extraordinary. I was literally almost jumping on them.
The life there can be a culture shock too.
Nice and calm.

Lots of friends there, I gonna post few of the memorable ones.

Wang Sen (Brother that I never had)
I don't know but, you struck me in a weird way.
We share similarities and had differences.
Same birthday (Happy birthday 20th ! Senior!).
I just don't know, but how we stuck together this past few months and the lessons you impart to me are quite useful, i.e Stay away from EMO.
But there is a bond between us, albeit a little special in a way.
Don't get me wrong, I was not going to leap into your arms soon.
But you are the most approachable guy I can go to to have fun and pour my sorrows.
Lets hope our bonds last long and keep the fun times going.

Seong Koon Yeu Keed (The 1st true buddy I had)
Damn long name, it took me two weeks to memorise names, Wang Sen's one is shorter than yours... I called you Koon but eventually by your surname even though it's not actually your first name. Anyways, being my buddy and all, we are inseparable. I still remember the time when I entered MRF the 1st day and you visited me..
In the sick bay.
But to me, I would love to have you as a partnering associate, a buddy that will stick through all the hard times and enjoy all the pleasantries the world has to offer.
Let the trio of us, Wang Sen, Me and You go out together more often.
Good luck on your Aussie trip though mate!

Even though the days of BMC were long past, I still love to sit here with Ice-Cream in hand reminiscing the days the fun days we all had.
Good times never last long as we want to, but we still hang out to prolong the feeling we sowed throughout these 3 months.

As the day of the eventual separation drew near, I knew I must part with dear friends as I had before.
Alan, Dorry, Wang Sen, Koon.
Went on to their respective jobs.
And I was posted to MRF.
A nice unit people say, but I can't bear to part with my friends that become like brothers to me.
Friends that I stay here for, friends that I will give up my life to save them.

The course was hell to me.
I had never been so humiliated before in my life.
Thousands of time, voices in my head just tell me to drop and quit.
Hell, I was not even a Singaporean and I don't intend to be one..
I just do not see the value in it to hold a PINK IC, not that I am against the color.
I am just not glorified to take it.

People mostly view me as a tool. Whatever purpose in life do I have just to help them.
A tool will get worn out after a while and that was what happened to me.
I was being pushed to the brink of delusion and madness.
Even my closest friends do not dare to talk to me .
My mental stress went all time high.

I truly break down and just went nuts just because of something.

But life here is better now,
as I improvise and adapt as I went along.
I hope things go smoothly until I finish my term.

So far, convictions I have made is that I stop being so pessimistic.

On the Way to A Smile is my goal.

Here.
I am going to take an Oath.
To protect my dreams and friends.

I, Daniel Goh, Resident of the Planet Earth which is one of the satellites of one of the star in the Milky Way galaxy.
Swear to keep positive,
Be Loyal to my fellow brothers and friends.
I will continue to fight and fight harder I shall in the face of the obstacles and adversaries.
Giving up is not an option here.

I shall now state my dreams.
I will become a Musician, composing for video games.
I bring imagination to life as music is my sword.
Although the swords still need tempering and sharpening.
I will never abandon them to their fate.
I will see the dream through even though they may, in time
Become hardened steel, or broken pieces of metal by the way side.

I swear to protect my brethen,
My friends, my brothers and those in kind.
Providing them accompaniment and a kind soul that will hopefully,
forge a strong bond that will last through the test in time.

Now.

I think the time has come.
I want to make a few wishes.

1. Stronger bonds with my friends, renewing them if there became quite worn.
2. More realized dreams.
3. A clearer path to my future.

And on that note.
I felt good being 19 and all.
Happy Birthday Wang Sen too! The coincidence is quite appalling.

Ciao. Stay tuned for the next episode.

P.S (the next day)

After writing this long long post in the middle of the night. I guess the feeling just fell apart midway through. Look at the paragraphs above, the more I look at it the more I portray myself as a gay homosexual kind of guy. Which duh is the wrong image.

Plus at the last few paragraph, I must be nuts or possessed to write like this....

I am quite lazy to change the blog post cause, hey! Long post... It is a hassle to edit too.

Anyways, this time, I gonna say bye for now, and see what the future brings me..

Update

2009-09-16T19:08:00.001+08:00

What have i been thru the past week.

Quarantined and worse...

Episode 28: The Last Time Travel

2009-08-31T00:06:00.004+08:00

Have you had any regrets?
Everybody has one or more of those in their lives.
For many, the thing I regret is about the past.

Why let me meet someone when I will be doomed to be separated from them?
Why get acquainted so deeply that it hurts when we leave?
Best friends turn to distant memories like flower that will wither in time.

The Past is past. No use of reminiscing about good old days in time's ever quick moving pace. Everything will become past, present will eventually join in the march back in time and the future shall become the present.

What is GOD thinking when he gave us emotions to feel and tear ducts for us to use?
I am crying now. Thinking about the good old times I spend with my friends. I want to be carefree and all but circumstances don't allow. I am allowed only to be young once, and as part of growing up I need to sacrifice fun? I DENY THAT!

Is money that important? Is the world worth living for? What on earth I am here in this world?

I don't know for sure, not everything is certain anymore. Don't you love it when your beautiful visions of the future your plans shattered by uncertainty.
I had that coming. I was hurt. I didn't expect this will happen.
All I want to do now is to isolate myself. Doing things that will make me happy. Doing this will be damn selfish of me.
All I can do is put on a Persona. A facade for me to be happy in front of others. I don't know whether they even realize it or not.

I cried myself out already. Too tired to cry anymore. I don't know. I just don't know.

All I can do is to face the piano and my games and play away.
And that is what I am going to do for this few short months until I end the pain that is called National Service and all those that associate with it.

I don't want to do this anymore.
Please. Someone just help me.
I can't take it anymore.

I want to travel back in time. I want to change everything. I want to be a good friend to you guys even though how pathetic I look in front of you.

I demand too much and I give too little.
Lets just say that I think I need to hit the reset button.
I want to cut myself away from the world which I know.

Now.
I am starting on the project on playing piano till my fingers bleed.
At least it keeps me preoccupied.

I gotta go now.
Ciao.