Episode 81: Crab
Saturday, September 10, 2011, 10:52 PM
It came to this stage again... There's nothing much to talk about... It is kind of funny, after something exciting happened. Or moved to a new place, the level of excitement dropped a lot became equilibrium again. Chatting with family and friends are becoming a bore, nothing exciting to reveal in them, nothing new to revel in.
Its like having a high or an addiction.
I had a thirst of exciting stuff, thirst of learning new stuff. But like a drug, once a euphoria is reached, I will be excited, I would want to chat. I would love to talk. But after that, I don't have anything to say.
For friends and family, I would miss them of course. But then, there seem to be nothing to say. Just that saying hi, and making sure that they are alright.
Isn't this feeling a natural feeling... A feeling to miss family and friends? I seem to had nonchalant feeling. I never felt the 'I really miss' feeling.
Somehow, I think, will feelings develop over time? Will I get to understand people? I never had a chance to talk to people until after or during Junior College.. So rather much, I have a lack of understanding of people.
Don't get me wrong. I talk to people the way I do because I imitate others. I can't say I am a master mimic or so, I tend to copy things when I see them. Cliché it may be, I can't help it for some reason.... For example,
I copied Hanekawa Tsubasa's speech pattern from Bakemonogatari and Shichika's attitude from Katanagatari.
I copied my goodbye wave from my neighbour.
I copied my sarcastic style from Wang Sen.
I copied my love of gaming from Zhen Qin.
I copied my love of love from Ruo Xuan.
I copied my way of thinking from Alan.
I copied my viewpoint of the world from Wikipedia and Google.
I copied my view of love of God from Yeu Keed.
I copied my siblings attachment from Dorry.
I copied the ability to gain valuable insights from Dorry's siblings.
I copied the ability to try hard.
I copied the ability to feel.
I copied peoples' soul and personality.
I copied basically every single part of my personality.
I copied things that are originally not mine.
So what part am I that is original?
People who met me. Thinks that I am very queer indeed.
As somehow, I can copy someone's 'Soul/personality' I can't tell which is originally mine. All of this copied stuff, makes me me...
So I do not know what is the original me since I am not me or what I was to be.
So recently I got the hang of observing people, "ability belonged to my mother by the way" people seemed to be even uglier inside... But for a strange reason, I want to overlook it. I can't seem to see the bad part even it is there. For friends, I know that they are sometimes a little childish or wrong, but I still want to stick by their side even there might be something bad. I believe they can change.
I believe in my friends. I want to be there in their time of need. I know that it is kind of impossible. I can't be there all the time, I can't be there in the right time.
But I want to be, and I want to try. Failure is just a state, a temporal one. But the accumulation of success and the eventual bonds formed.
I think its worth it.
Gotta go for now.
Free time ending soon.
Cheerio!
The strange twist of fate.
